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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Head Of NBC Suddenly Remembers He Meant To Cancel ‘Rock Center’ 8 Weeks Ago

NEW YORK—Claiming that it “somehow totally slipped [his] mind,” NBC CEO Steve Burke suddenly remembered Monday that he had meant to cancel the weekly news magazine program Rock Center With Brian Williams eight weeks ago, sources confirmed. “Wait, that thing is still on the air?” Burke reportedly said upon realizing he hadn’t yet removed the underperforming show from the network’s lineup of programming. “What night is it on again? Oh, man. Sorry about that. You know, I had it marked down in my calendar to cancel it and I just totally spaced. My fault.” Burke added that it was ultimately not a big deal that he forgot to cancel the show, as “it’s not like anyone would have noticed either way.”

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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