Headache-Relief Tips

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Life And Works Of Dr. Seuss

A 50-year-old manuscript by the late Theodor Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, is being released this week, captivating nostalgic readers who grew up on seven decades of children’s books from the prolific author. Here are some highlights from Dr. Seuss’ life and work
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

  • Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

    YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Headache-Relief Tips

Millions of Americans regularly suffer from headaches. Here are some tips to help prevent them and ease the pain:

  • Though disputed by conventional Western medicine, the ancient Chinese art of kneecap-smashing may distract you from your headache.
  • The surest method of headache prevention is to develop a working time machine, go back to 1988, and marry a different woman who doesn't nag your ass into the ground about where you were all night and who was there with you and were you drinking.
  • No matter how bad your head hurts, do not under any circumstances attempt to remove it.
  • Many popular herbal headache remedies exist, including valerian and kava kava, but be advised that they don't do shit.
  • Headaches can get so bad that, in some cases, doctors prescribe morphine or methadone. A better way to look at this is that headaches can get so good that doctors prescribe morphine or methadone.
  • If you have a severe headache, you likely have five or six throbbing red lightning bolts behind your sinuses. Neutralize them with a soothing, bluish, glowing orb.
  • A key to headache prevention is avoiding getting Starship's "We Built This City" stuck in your head.
  • If you suffer from recurring headache pain, you probably have a tumor or something. Man, am I glad I'm not you.
  • If you suspect that your headache is a migraine, ask yourself: Does the prospect of having a double-barreled shotgun inserted in your anus and discharged fill you with thoughts of blessed, eternal relief? If so, it's probably a migraine.
  • Headache sufferers, be advised that episodes can easily be triggered by stress, improper diet, or people constantly chiming in with their useless fucking headache advice.