Headache-Relief Tips

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

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TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Headache-Relief Tips

Millions of Americans regularly suffer from headaches. Here are some tips to help prevent them and ease the pain:

  • Though disputed by conventional Western medicine, the ancient Chinese art of kneecap-smashing may distract you from your headache.
  • The surest method of headache prevention is to develop a working time machine, go back to 1988, and marry a different woman who doesn't nag your ass into the ground about where you were all night and who was there with you and were you drinking.
  • No matter how bad your head hurts, do not under any circumstances attempt to remove it.
  • Many popular herbal headache remedies exist, including valerian and kava kava, but be advised that they don't do shit.
  • Headaches can get so bad that, in some cases, doctors prescribe morphine or methadone. A better way to look at this is that headaches can get so good that doctors prescribe morphine or methadone.
  • If you have a severe headache, you likely have five or six throbbing red lightning bolts behind your sinuses. Neutralize them with a soothing, bluish, glowing orb.
  • A key to headache prevention is avoiding getting Starship's "We Built This City" stuck in your head.
  • If you suffer from recurring headache pain, you probably have a tumor or something. Man, am I glad I'm not you.
  • If you suspect that your headache is a migraine, ask yourself: Does the prospect of having a double-barreled shotgun inserted in your anus and discharged fill you with thoughts of blessed, eternal relief? If so, it's probably a migraine.
  • Headache sufferers, be advised that episodes can easily be triggered by stress, improper diet, or people constantly chiming in with their useless fucking headache advice.
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