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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Headline About So-Called Lobsterman Extremely Misleading

BAY VILLAGE, OH—Numerous internet users reported feeling extremely misled Monday by a news website’s headline, “Lobsterman Safe After Being Pulled From Ocean,” noting that the associated article contained neither images nor a detailed description of the promised aquatic Lobsterman creature. “I don’t understand—the guy in the picture just looks like a regular person,” a visibly disappointed Josh Huber, 29, told reporters after clicking on a link to the article with the expectation that he would be shown photographs of a large half-human, half-crustacean hybrid that had been captured. “I thought he’d have some big claws and a tail, maybe antennae or something. I guess I knew he probably wouldn’t have an exoskeleton or anything like that, but I figured he would at least be red, and I definitely thought he would be at least a 6-foot-tall lobster with a human head that speaks like a person. What gives?” As of press time, Huber was mulling over the possibility that the man in the photo might be the one who caught the Lobsterman.

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