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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Headline With Words ‘HIV Baby’ In It Somehow Turns Out Okay

NEW YORK—A recent newspaper headline that included the words “HIV Baby” somehow managed to turn out okay by the end, numerous readers confirmed Tuesday. “I saw the words ‘HIV Baby’ staring back at me and I thought, ‘Oh boy, here we go,’ but then, shockingly, it actually turned out to be totally fine,” local man Harold Jennings said of the surprisingly uplifting headline, which reportedly concluded with the word “Cured” instead of the words “Born Prematurely,” “Dies In Womb,” or “Cases Continue To Mount.” “I got through the whole headline—again, a headline containing the words ‘HIV Baby’—and there was nothing in it about Africa, or doctors losing hope, or an infant being born addicted to heroin. It was actually, well, a happy story, I suppose. I mean, what are the chances, right?” Jennings added that he attempted to read the full article but, after learning the baby in question was expected to live a long, healthy life, he “kind of lost interest.”

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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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