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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Headline With Words ‘HIV Baby’ In It Somehow Turns Out Okay

NEW YORK—A recent newspaper headline that included the words “HIV Baby” somehow managed to turn out okay by the end, numerous readers confirmed Tuesday. “I saw the words ‘HIV Baby’ staring back at me and I thought, ‘Oh boy, here we go,’ but then, shockingly, it actually turned out to be totally fine,” local man Harold Jennings said of the surprisingly uplifting headline, which reportedly concluded with the word “Cured” instead of the words “Born Prematurely,” “Dies In Womb,” or “Cases Continue To Mount.” “I got through the whole headline—again, a headline containing the words ‘HIV Baby’—and there was nothing in it about Africa, or doctors losing hope, or an infant being born addicted to heroin. It was actually, well, a happy story, I suppose. I mean, what are the chances, right?” Jennings added that he attempted to read the full article but, after learning the baby in question was expected to live a long, healthy life, he “kind of lost interest.”

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