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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Headline With Words ‘HIV Baby’ In It Somehow Turns Out Okay

NEW YORK—A recent newspaper headline that included the words “HIV Baby” somehow managed to turn out okay by the end, numerous readers confirmed Tuesday. “I saw the words ‘HIV Baby’ staring back at me and I thought, ‘Oh boy, here we go,’ but then, shockingly, it actually turned out to be totally fine,” local man Harold Jennings said of the surprisingly uplifting headline, which reportedly concluded with the word “Cured” instead of the words “Born Prematurely,” “Dies In Womb,” or “Cases Continue To Mount.” “I got through the whole headline—again, a headline containing the words ‘HIV Baby’—and there was nothing in it about Africa, or doctors losing hope, or an infant being born addicted to heroin. It was actually, well, a happy story, I suppose. I mean, what are the chances, right?” Jennings added that he attempted to read the full article but, after learning the baby in question was expected to live a long, healthy life, he “kind of lost interest.”

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