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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Headphones-Wearing Pedestrian Loudly Proclaims Iron Man Status

MINNEAPOLIS—Local resident James Gaines loudly proclaimed his Iron Man status Monday while walking down Hennepin Avenue wearing a Sony Discman. "I am Iron Man," Gaines announced in a deep, foreboding voice before launching into his dark, personal tale of madness and revenge. Gaines has previously declared himself "hot for teacher," "a teenage lobotomy," and "a street-walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm."

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