adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Heady Youth Expresses Individuality With 'Ear-Ring'

PORTLAND, OR—In a bold expression of individuality, local youngster Steve Haselrig, who is a boy and not a girl, donned an ear-ring yesterday. The 15-year-old Haselrig publicly wore the ear-ring—a fashion accessory normally associated with females—all day long in his left ear, providing him with a renegade, against-the-grain look. “Steve is not one to follow the crowd,” said Frank Messner, the youth’s principal at Driftwood High School. “Judging from this ear-ring, that much is clear. I just hope this rebellious wild card doesn’t inspire the other boys in school to do the same.” Since the appearance of the ear-ring, rumors have swirled that Haselrig also likes to wear “shades,” and even “smokes,” inhaling fumes from burning tobacco leaves into his lungs—a habit many consider to be "cool."

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close