adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Heady Youth Expresses Individuality With 'Ear-Ring'

PORTLAND, OR—In a bold expression of individuality, local youngster Steve Haselrig, who is a boy and not a girl, donned an ear-ring yesterday. The 15-year-old Haselrig publicly wore the ear-ring—a fashion accessory normally associated with females—all day long in his left ear, providing him with a renegade, against-the-grain look. “Steve is not one to follow the crowd,” said Frank Messner, the youth’s principal at Driftwood High School. “Judging from this ear-ring, that much is clear. I just hope this rebellious wild card doesn’t inspire the other boys in school to do the same.” Since the appearance of the ear-ring, rumors have swirled that Haselrig also likes to wear “shades,” and even “smokes,” inhaling fumes from burning tobacco leaves into his lungs—a habit many consider to be "cool."

More from this section

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close