adBlockCheck

Health-Club Employee Stops Going To Work After Two Weeks

Top Headlines

Local

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Health-Club Employee Stops Going To Work After Two Weeks

MONTCLAIR, NJ—Only two weeks after signing up as an employee at Onward Health And Fitness, area resident Jennifer Lazar, initially enthusiastic about shedding excess debt in time for summer, has already lost interest in her "tedious" five-day work routine, sources reported Friday.

Lazar, lacking motivation.

"I knew it was going to be tough and that it would take time to see any changes in my bank statement, but going to work day in and day out got old real fast," Lazar said.

Although Lazar, 25, started with zeal as a receptionist for the popular Montclair-area health club, pledging to "wake up early each morning and hit the gym's front desk right away," her enthusiasm quickly ebbed when the reality of the job's demanding regimen began to sink in.

"I don't know how the other people do it," said Lazar, who speculated that her coworkers must either be "ultra-disciplined," or lead less hectic lives. "By the time I get through the grocery shopping, take my cat to the vet, and make payments on my car, there either isn't enough time or I'm just too wiped out to even think about heading to the gym."

While Lazar started her first week "on the right foot," she decided to skip her fourth day of work, claiming that it had been months since she'd performed any service-related activity and didn't want to "overdo things at first." By the end of the second week, however, Lazar had completed only two six-hour work sessions.

"I planned to go in to work every day last week, I really did," Lazar said. "But for whatever reason, I just couldn't get motivated to leave the house."

Lazar has also cited recent rainy weather and heavy construction slowing traffic across town as reasons to stay home. "This has just been a bad month to start a new routine, what with all the other stuff I have going on," Lazar said. "Maybe I should just take the rest of the week off and start fresh first thing Monday morning."

On the few occasions in which Lazar managed to "squeeze in" an hour on the club's phones or photocopier machine, she said that the repetitive and unchallenging nature of the activities left her feeling unfulfilled and physically drained rather than energized and rejuvenated. "It's just the same mindless motions over and over," Lazar said. "I can do this stuff at home without having to drive 25 minutes out of my way."

Alex Driessen, a fellow front-desk clerk who personally trained Lazar in her first week, expressed no surprise at Lazar's excuse-making and lack of persistence.

"I've worked with a lot of people like Jennifer," Driessen said. "What people don't realize is that the key to on-the-job success is simply to show up every day."

Lazar admitted that her "carefree" years of inactivity, when it seemed like she could sit idly with no consequences, have finally caught up with her. Although concerned that her once-slim credit-card debt has been ballooning almost out of control over the past several years, Lazar said it's still not enough to get her to "hunker down" and change her habits.

 While some people are able to achieve a sense of personal accomplishment and satisfaction by working, Lazar said it is just not for her.

"Maybe I can't help it—maybe it's genetic. Whatever it is, it's time I accepted myself for who I am, instead of always holding myself up to society's unrealistic standards," Lazar said.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close