adBlockCheck

Health-Club Employee Stops Going To Work After Two Weeks

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Health-Club Employee Stops Going To Work After Two Weeks

MONTCLAIR, NJ—Only two weeks after signing up as an employee at Onward Health And Fitness, area resident Jennifer Lazar, initially enthusiastic about shedding excess debt in time for summer, has already lost interest in her "tedious" five-day work routine, sources reported Friday.

Lazar, lacking motivation.

"I knew it was going to be tough and that it would take time to see any changes in my bank statement, but going to work day in and day out got old real fast," Lazar said.

Although Lazar, 25, started with zeal as a receptionist for the popular Montclair-area health club, pledging to "wake up early each morning and hit the gym's front desk right away," her enthusiasm quickly ebbed when the reality of the job's demanding regimen began to sink in.

"I don't know how the other people do it," said Lazar, who speculated that her coworkers must either be "ultra-disciplined," or lead less hectic lives. "By the time I get through the grocery shopping, take my cat to the vet, and make payments on my car, there either isn't enough time or I'm just too wiped out to even think about heading to the gym."

While Lazar started her first week "on the right foot," she decided to skip her fourth day of work, claiming that it had been months since she'd performed any service-related activity and didn't want to "overdo things at first." By the end of the second week, however, Lazar had completed only two six-hour work sessions.

"I planned to go in to work every day last week, I really did," Lazar said. "But for whatever reason, I just couldn't get motivated to leave the house."

Lazar has also cited recent rainy weather and heavy construction slowing traffic across town as reasons to stay home. "This has just been a bad month to start a new routine, what with all the other stuff I have going on," Lazar said. "Maybe I should just take the rest of the week off and start fresh first thing Monday morning."

On the few occasions in which Lazar managed to "squeeze in" an hour on the club's phones or photocopier machine, she said that the repetitive and unchallenging nature of the activities left her feeling unfulfilled and physically drained rather than energized and rejuvenated. "It's just the same mindless motions over and over," Lazar said. "I can do this stuff at home without having to drive 25 minutes out of my way."

Alex Driessen, a fellow front-desk clerk who personally trained Lazar in her first week, expressed no surprise at Lazar's excuse-making and lack of persistence.

"I've worked with a lot of people like Jennifer," Driessen said. "What people don't realize is that the key to on-the-job success is simply to show up every day."

Lazar admitted that her "carefree" years of inactivity, when it seemed like she could sit idly with no consequences, have finally caught up with her. Although concerned that her once-slim credit-card debt has been ballooning almost out of control over the past several years, Lazar said it's still not enough to get her to "hunker down" and change her habits.

 While some people are able to achieve a sense of personal accomplishment and satisfaction by working, Lazar said it is just not for her.

"Maybe I can't help it—maybe it's genetic. Whatever it is, it's time I accepted myself for who I am, instead of always holding myself up to society's unrealistic standards," Lazar said.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close