Health Department Closes Perfectly Good Burrito Place

Top Headlines

Food

Outback

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Appearing visibly confused as he scanned back and forth from one side of the establishment to the other, a local oaf was reportedly unsure which part of the Hilltop Deli counter he was supposed to place his order at Tuesday.

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.

Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life

MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life.

The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits.

Man Regrets Straying From Sour Cream And Onion Potato Chips

COVINGTON, KY—Expressing a deep sense of regret regarding his decision to take a chance on jalapeño, local 36-year-old Mike Willhite told reporters Wednesday that he now sees all too clearly his folly in straying from his beloved sour cream a...

FDA Recalls Food

WASHINGTON—Saying it was vitally important that citizens avoid consuming any of the affected items, the U.S.

Male Gaze Falls On Buffalo Chicken Bites

BINGHAMTON, NY—Patrons at Thirsty’s Tavern and Grill confirmed Monday that the objectifying male gaze has fallen upon a $6.95 plate of buffalo chicken bites, resulting in the menu item being treated as if it serves no purpose beyond providing ...

Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café

NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museu...

Takeout Bag Feels Light

OAKLAND, CA—Moments after picking up his carryout order from local restaurant Hunan Palace Monday evening, area man Alden Welch, 31, reportedly experienced a sharp sense of unease upon noticing his takeout bag felt unusually light. Unable to effecti...

Determined Restaurant Patrons Tough It Out On Chilly Patio

CHICAGO—Steeling themselves against the occasional breeze and the cold of the wrought iron table and chairs against their skin, a group of determined restaurant-goers reportedly braved the slightly chilly temperature Thursday and dined on the outdoo...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Partying

Energy

Food

Outback

Health Department Closes Perfectly Good Burrito Place

COLUMBUS, OH—The Columbus Health Department closed the Mexican fast food restaurant Burrito Max on Monday after it failed a routine inspection, completely neglecting to take into account  the fact that the popular, conveniently located establishment was a perfectly good burrito place that served kick-ass burritos at a totally cheap price.

Hungry for a burrito? Too damn bad, health officials say.

"The food there was just fine," said bike messenger Seth Sherwood, 25, adding that he "almost never got sick" after eating at Burrito Max. "This is bullshit. I bet those health guys have never even tried one of their Grande Texas Chili Extremes."

According to a report filed by city food-safety inspector Dan Griffith, Burrito Max, a cheap, no-frills eatery that never aspired to be anything it wasn't, had a handful of very small, practically insignificant health-code violations, such as vermin on the premises, a persistent foul odor, traces of E. coli, and unsanitary food-contact surfaces and equipment—like what restaurant in this city doesn't.

The report, however, did not mention the restaurant's free drink refills and the signature chili-cheese fries, which, according to restaurant regulars, were "awesome."

"If those guys got a bad burrito, they should have just asked for another one instead of writing the place up like a bunch of little bitches," said Ohio State University sophomore Greg Hall, 19, who, like a lot of customers, didn't absolutely love the food, but found it more than serviceable, especially during lunch, after bar time, or when he was craving a burrito. "If they really want to help me out, here's an idea: They could open up another burrito place, keep it open until 4 a.m., and call it Burrito Max."

Though the report cited the employees' habit of not wearing hairnets or shirts and showing up to work "in a generally unhygienic state," it overlooked the fact that the heavily pierced and tattooed staff added to the authentic, laid-back atmosphere of Burrito Max. Most importantly, the place served solid, hearty,  burritos fast and hot, something most burrito joints in the area do not. In addition, the line to order was never too long.

"I didn't go to Burrito Max because it was clean," copy shop assistant Rachael Grimaldi, 26, said. "I went because my friends worked there, the tofu burrito was cheap, and they had a bike rack outside the front entrance."

Had health department officials bothered to interview Burrito Max's patrons, they would have learned these things, rather than just dwelling on the dirty floors—which people don't eat off of, last time anyone checked—and the consistently out-of-order bathroom with the hilarious "Fuck You" carved into the "Employees Must Wash Hands" sign.

"I'm sure the risk of food-borne illnesses wasn't as big a deal as they made it out to be," said 24-year-old legal assistant Deirdre Sarnoff upon hearing that the restaurant's poultry and beef were stored at improper temperatures. "It's not like I ever bit into a cockroach or anything. Where am I supposed to eat now, some overpriced corporate burrito chain like Chipotle?"

"Christ," Sarnoff added. "It seems like every time I find a cheap place that's open past midnight the stupid city comes along and shuts it down."

Burrito Max is not the only local eatery to be unfairly shuttered by the Health Department in recent months. In March, Cecilia's Pizza was shut down for rat feces and a lack of properly covered waste receptacles, despite its sweet $3.99 deal that included two slices of cheese pizza and a medium drink. Two weeks ago, the Indian Buffet, located in the basement of an apartment building on 595 Commonwealth Ave., was closed for unsanitary conditions, though, according to patrons, the food quality was "still pretty decent" even after the big grease fire they had there last August.

Next Story