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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Health Department Still Not Able To Really Prove Why People Shouldn't Be Eating Candles

'They Won't Kill You Or Anything, But They Can't Be Good For You,' Say Officials

WASHINGTON—Department of Health and Human Services officials held a press conference Monday to announce that while no studies had been conducted to establish that the practice is unhealthy, people still should not eat candles. "While we doubt the ingestion of small amounts of candle wax is life-threatening, we nonetheless recommend that anyone thinking about eating candles refrain from doing so, and that anyone currently eating candles stop," said HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, who during a follow-up Q&A confirmed the guideline even applies to pumpkin-pie-scented candles and birthday candles with frosting and cake on the bottom half. "Instead of conducting clinical trials on the long-term effects of candle consumption, we're just going to ask people to use their common sense on this one. Please don't eat candles." At the same press conference, HHS officials also suggested that people shouldn't eat lip balm "because, come on, don't be an idiot."

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