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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Health Department Still Not Able To Really Prove Why People Shouldn't Be Eating Candles

'They Won't Kill You Or Anything, But They Can't Be Good For You,' Say Officials

WASHINGTON—Department of Health and Human Services officials held a press conference Monday to announce that while no studies had been conducted to establish that the practice is unhealthy, people still should not eat candles. "While we doubt the ingestion of small amounts of candle wax is life-threatening, we nonetheless recommend that anyone thinking about eating candles refrain from doing so, and that anyone currently eating candles stop," said HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, who during a follow-up Q&A confirmed the guideline even applies to pumpkin-pie-scented candles and birthday candles with frosting and cake on the bottom half. "Instead of conducting clinical trials on the long-term effects of candle consumption, we're just going to ask people to use their common sense on this one. Please don't eat candles." At the same press conference, HHS officials also suggested that people shouldn't eat lip balm "because, come on, don't be an idiot."

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