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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Health Scare Prompts Man To Start Overeating Healthier

ROUND ROCK, TX—Having recently learned from his doctor that he suffered from high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels that put him at serious risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, 43-year-old Donald Fisher told reporters Thursday the unanticipated health scare had prompted him to start overeating healthier. “This has been a real wake-up call for me, so from now on, I’m sticking to eating only nutritious, low-fat foods well past the point of feeling full,” said Fisher, explaining that he had already cut oversized portions of red meat out of his diet in favor of multiple hulking servings of lean proteins such as fish, beans, and baked chicken. “It’s not going to be easy, but if I can replace my regular afternoon snack of Doritos with a whole bag of organic kale chips and restrict myself to five or six helpings from just the salad bar when I go out to eat at a buffet, I should be okay. I’ve really got to make these big changes; this is my health we’re talking about here.” At press time, Fisher was attempting to slake a late-night bout of hunger with 900 calories’ worth of apples and peanut butter.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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