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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Health Scare Prompts Man To Start Overeating Healthier

ROUND ROCK, TX—Having recently learned from his doctor that he suffered from high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels that put him at serious risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, 43-year-old Donald Fisher told reporters Thursday the unanticipated health scare had prompted him to start overeating healthier. “This has been a real wake-up call for me, so from now on, I’m sticking to eating only nutritious, low-fat foods well past the point of feeling full,” said Fisher, explaining that he had already cut oversized portions of red meat out of his diet in favor of multiple hulking servings of lean proteins such as fish, beans, and baked chicken. “It’s not going to be easy, but if I can replace my regular afternoon snack of Doritos with a whole bag of organic kale chips and restrict myself to five or six helpings from just the salad bar when I go out to eat at a buffet, I should be okay. I’ve really got to make these big changes; this is my health we’re talking about here.” At press time, Fisher was attempting to slake a late-night bout of hunger with 900 calories’ worth of apples and peanut butter.

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