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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Healthy Living Tips For Shawnas

This blog is reprinted with permission from the Department of Health and Human Services

Having a healthy lifestyle isn't just about staying out of the sun (or out of a tanning bed). Here are some simple tips to help Shawnas participate in a healthier life:

Eat Right
Corn nuts and jalapeno poppers are not a suitable meal. Eating a balanced, nutritious diet can help you get back in to your acid-washed jeans and fringed Styx crop top that you haven't been able to put on since '97.

Don't Smoke
Smoking increases your risk of lung cancer, heart disease, and running into your ex, Rick, outside the 7-11. Besides, smoking can turn your remaining teeth brown. Above all, never smoke while pregnant as it is very harmful for your unborn children. Don't forget how Tammy turned out.

Limit Alcohol Use
Alcohol can raise your risk of liver disease, cancer, and the likelihood that you'll have promiscuous sex with Darryl's cousin again. Drinking more than four drinks in a row is considered binge drinking for a woman. Note: if you are drinking directly from a bottle of Malibu, that does not count as just one drink.

Practice Injury Prevention
Make sure to check under your trailer on a regular basis for evidence of rodents, fire hazards, and your brother Kevin who might try to cook meth under there again.

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