Healthy Living Tips For Shawnas

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Vol 47 Issue 07

Trail Blazers Down To One Working Knee

PORTLAND, OR—According to sources close to the injury-plagued Portland Trail Blazers, after a series of knee injuries to center Marcus Camby and All-Star guard Brandon Roy, the team is now officially down to one good knee.

Tim Duncan Urges All-Stars To Use Inside Voice During Game

LOS ANGELES—Saying he understands how excited everyone can get during an All-Star game, Spurs center Tim Duncan made it clear Saturday that since the game is held inside the Staples Center, he expects members of both teams to put their outside voice...

Area Dad Just Wants Computer With The Basics

EDISON, NJ—Wary of paying too much for a new computer loaded with unnecessary bells and whistles, area dad Paul Moyers, 52, announced Friday that he just wants a regular, no-frills PC with only the basics.

Military Releases Drone's Suicide Note

In a shocking turn of events, embattled military drone plane TR425 destroyed itself. Military officials released the following suicide note written by the airplane.

New Arkansas Border

This artist's rendering depicts how the Arkansas state border will be affected by passage of the 2011 Fairness Through Casinos Act.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Healthy Living Tips For Shawnas

This blog is reprinted with permission from the Department of Health and Human Services

Having a healthy lifestyle isn't just about staying out of the sun (or out of a tanning bed). Here are some simple tips to help Shawnas participate in a healthier life:

Eat Right
Corn nuts and jalapeno poppers are not a suitable meal. Eating a balanced, nutritious diet can help you get back in to your acid-washed jeans and fringed Styx crop top that you haven't been able to put on since '97.

Don't Smoke
Smoking increases your risk of lung cancer, heart disease, and running into your ex, Rick, outside the 7-11. Besides, smoking can turn your remaining teeth brown. Above all, never smoke while pregnant as it is very harmful for your unborn children. Don't forget how Tammy turned out.

Limit Alcohol Use
Alcohol can raise your risk of liver disease, cancer, and the likelihood that you'll have promiscuous sex with Darryl's cousin again. Drinking more than four drinks in a row is considered binge drinking for a woman. Note: if you are drinking directly from a bottle of Malibu, that does not count as just one drink.

Practice Injury Prevention
Make sure to check under your trailer on a regular basis for evidence of rodents, fire hazards, and your brother Kevin who might try to cook meth under there again.

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