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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Healthy Living Tips For Shawnas

This blog is reprinted with permission from the Department of Health and Human Services

Having a healthy lifestyle isn't just about staying out of the sun (or out of a tanning bed). Here are some simple tips to help Shawnas participate in a healthier life:

Eat Right
Corn nuts and jalapeno poppers are not a suitable meal. Eating a balanced, nutritious diet can help you get back in to your acid-washed jeans and fringed Styx crop top that you haven't been able to put on since '97.

Don't Smoke
Smoking increases your risk of lung cancer, heart disease, and running into your ex, Rick, outside the 7-11. Besides, smoking can turn your remaining teeth brown. Above all, never smoke while pregnant as it is very harmful for your unborn children. Don't forget how Tammy turned out.

Limit Alcohol Use
Alcohol can raise your risk of liver disease, cancer, and the likelihood that you'll have promiscuous sex with Darryl's cousin again. Drinking more than four drinks in a row is considered binge drinking for a woman. Note: if you are drinking directly from a bottle of Malibu, that does not count as just one drink.

Practice Injury Prevention
Make sure to check under your trailer on a regular basis for evidence of rodents, fire hazards, and your brother Kevin who might try to cook meth under there again.

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