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Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Heartbreaking Rubio Campaign Email Just Asks Supporters To Send Something To Make Him Smile

MIAMI—Noting that Tuesday’s primary contests could very likely determine the outcome of the Republican nomination, Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign reportedly sent a heartbreaking email to supporters Monday urging them to send the candidate something that might make him smile. “With just one day left until critical primary elections in Florida, Ohio, North Carolina, Illinois, and Missouri, Marco needs your support more than ever! Contributing your signature to a nice e-card for Marco, or even sending him a link to a fun YouTube video will really help him out—anything to let him know you’re thinking about him,” read the agonizingly poignant email in part, replacing the typical monetary donation links within the message with suggestions that supporters “Write Him An Encouraging Note” or “Draw Him A Picture.” “If you’re able, you could email Marco a photograph of you wearing your Rubio 2016 shirt. He would really love that. Remember, no gesture is too big or too small to buoy his spirits at this critical juncture in the campaign.” The email reportedly closed with one final encouragement that supporters make whatever effort they could to warm Rubio’s heart, emphasizing that the campaign would not be asking for anything further after this.

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