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Heartbreaking Rubio Campaign Email Just Asks Supporters To Send Something To Make Him Smile

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Election 2016

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Heartbreaking Rubio Campaign Email Just Asks Supporters To Send Something To Make Him Smile

MIAMI—Noting that Tuesday’s primary contests could very likely determine the outcome of the Republican nomination, Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign reportedly sent a heartbreaking email to supporters Monday urging them to send the candidate something that might make him smile. “With just one day left until critical primary elections in Florida, Ohio, North Carolina, Illinois, and Missouri, Marco needs your support more than ever! Contributing your signature to a nice e-card for Marco, or even sending him a link to a fun YouTube video will really help him out—anything to let him know you’re thinking about him,” read the agonizingly poignant email in part, replacing the typical monetary donation links within the message with suggestions that supporters “Write Him An Encouraging Note” or “Draw Him A Picture.” “If you’re able, you could email Marco a photograph of you wearing your Rubio 2016 shirt. He would really love that. Remember, no gesture is too big or too small to buoy his spirits at this critical juncture in the campaign.” The email reportedly closed with one final encouragement that supporters make whatever effort they could to warm Rubio’s heart, emphasizing that the campaign would not be asking for anything further after this.

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