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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Heartbreaking Rubio Campaign Email Just Asks Supporters To Send Something To Make Him Smile

MIAMI—Noting that Tuesday’s primary contests could very likely determine the outcome of the Republican nomination, Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign reportedly sent a heartbreaking email to supporters Monday urging them to send the candidate something that might make him smile. “With just one day left until critical primary elections in Florida, Ohio, North Carolina, Illinois, and Missouri, Marco needs your support more than ever! Contributing your signature to a nice e-card for Marco, or even sending him a link to a fun YouTube video will really help him out—anything to let him know you’re thinking about him,” read the agonizingly poignant email in part, replacing the typical monetary donation links within the message with suggestions that supporters “Write Him An Encouraging Note” or “Draw Him A Picture.” “If you’re able, you could email Marco a photograph of you wearing your Rubio 2016 shirt. He would really love that. Remember, no gesture is too big or too small to buoy his spirits at this critical juncture in the campaign.” The email reportedly closed with one final encouragement that supporters make whatever effort they could to warm Rubio’s heart, emphasizing that the campaign would not be asking for anything further after this.

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