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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Heartbreaking Rubio Campaign Email Just Asks Supporters To Send Something To Make Him Smile

MIAMI—Noting that Tuesday’s primary contests could very likely determine the outcome of the Republican nomination, Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign reportedly sent a heartbreaking email to supporters Monday urging them to send the candidate something that might make him smile. “With just one day left until critical primary elections in Florida, Ohio, North Carolina, Illinois, and Missouri, Marco needs your support more than ever! Contributing your signature to a nice e-card for Marco, or even sending him a link to a fun YouTube video will really help him out—anything to let him know you’re thinking about him,” read the agonizingly poignant email in part, replacing the typical monetary donation links within the message with suggestions that supporters “Write Him An Encouraging Note” or “Draw Him A Picture.” “If you’re able, you could email Marco a photograph of you wearing your Rubio 2016 shirt. He would really love that. Remember, no gesture is too big or too small to buoy his spirits at this critical juncture in the campaign.” The email reportedly closed with one final encouragement that supporters make whatever effort they could to warm Rubio’s heart, emphasizing that the campaign would not be asking for anything further after this.

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