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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Heartbreaking Yelp Review Says It’s Just Nice To Eat A Meal Around Other People

SOUTH BEND, IN—In an exceedingly depressing review posted Monday on the popular website Yelp, a user identified as Gregg4 gave five stars to local diner Gullifty’s solely on the basis of it being a “place where you can go to eat a meal around folks who are talking and laughing.” “Sometimes it’s just nice to hear another person’s voice, you know?” the post read in part, lauding the eatery both for having patrons and for maintaining an atmosphere in which one can overhear them discussing their day. “At Gullifty’s, I can enjoy a plate of food and know I’ll never be seated too far away from a family or group of friends enjoying each other’s company. It’s best before 8 p.m., though, because after that the customers are gone and the staff is trying to clean up. You can still talk to them, but they usually don’t say much back.” Earlier this month, Gregg4 posted a scathing one-star review of a Chinese takeout restaurant, warning users that the delivery boy only mumbles a few words, and that once he leaves “you’re all alone again.”

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