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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Heartbreaking Yelp Review Says It’s Just Nice To Eat A Meal Around Other People

SOUTH BEND, IN—In an exceedingly depressing review posted Monday on the popular website Yelp, a user identified as Gregg4 gave five stars to local diner Gullifty’s solely on the basis of it being a “place where you can go to eat a meal around folks who are talking and laughing.” “Sometimes it’s just nice to hear another person’s voice, you know?” the post read in part, lauding the eatery both for having patrons and for maintaining an atmosphere in which one can overhear them discussing their day. “At Gullifty’s, I can enjoy a plate of food and know I’ll never be seated too far away from a family or group of friends enjoying each other’s company. It’s best before 8 p.m., though, because after that the customers are gone and the staff is trying to clean up. You can still talk to them, but they usually don’t say much back.” Earlier this month, Gregg4 posted a scathing one-star review of a Chinese takeout restaurant, warning users that the delivery boy only mumbles a few words, and that once he leaves “you’re all alone again.”

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