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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Biggest Announcements From E3

Each June, E3, or The Electronic Entertainment Expo, hosts game developers showing off their latest products. Here are this year’s most exciting announcements:

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Heartless Dutch Curators Put Deranged Scrawlings Of Mentally Ill Suicide Victim On Full Display For World To Mock

AMSTERDAM—In a cold-hearted, deeply exploitative decision announced Monday, the Van Gogh Museum revealed that they had unearthed the crazed scribblings of a schizophrenic, highly disturbed suicide victim and planned to put them on full display for the world’s amusement this coming fall. “We hope people from all across the globe will come to see this exciting and fascinating new acquisition,” said the museum’s chief curator, Axel Rüger, who is evidently fine with the idea of parading around a clearly very sick man’s manic doodles for the so-called entertainment of millions. “It’s truly an extraordinary find, and we feel especially lucky to be the first to [take the creations of a severely bipolar individual and allow the general public to leer at the products of his mental illness]. Truly, this is an historic day for all interested in [exploiting the creations of an insane person].” Museum officials confirmed the sad, erratic evidence of a madman’s psyche will be on view—like some sort of modern-day freak show—until early winter.

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