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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Heartless Dutch Curators Put Deranged Scrawlings Of Mentally Ill Suicide Victim On Full Display For World To Mock

AMSTERDAM—In a cold-hearted, deeply exploitative decision announced Monday, the Van Gogh Museum revealed that they had unearthed the crazed scribblings of a schizophrenic, highly disturbed suicide victim and planned to put them on full display for the world’s amusement this coming fall. “We hope people from all across the globe will come to see this exciting and fascinating new acquisition,” said the museum’s chief curator, Axel Rüger, who is evidently fine with the idea of parading around a clearly very sick man’s manic doodles for the so-called entertainment of millions. “It’s truly an extraordinary find, and we feel especially lucky to be the first to [take the creations of a severely bipolar individual and allow the general public to leer at the products of his mental illness]. Truly, this is an historic day for all interested in [exploiting the creations of an insane person].” Museum officials confirmed the sad, erratic evidence of a madman’s psyche will be on view—like some sort of modern-day freak show—until early winter.

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