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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

How To Start A Community Garden

A community gardening project is a good way to spur neighborhood involvement, but it requires careful planning and logistics. Here are The Onion’s tips for starting a community garden:
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HeartSmart Health Tips

In these hectic times, very few of us make an effort to take proper care of our bodies. Here are some tips to start you down the path of more healthy living:

  • Remove salt lick from den
  • Give your heart a well-deserved break—re-route circulatory system so your blood is pumped by your pancreas
  • Just because you're at work doesn't mean you can't get some exercise; carry your desk with you on your lunch hour out
  • Implant back-up heart in ass; if heart fails, use back-up ass-heart
  • Avoid fruits—the bright colors can shock your system and strain heart
  • Use loud, forceful coughs to expel cholesterol from heart
  • Rape a wild boar
  • If you're too full to finish your meal, don't; save it in your cheeks until later
  • For 10 minutes a day, let deep-fried foods drain before eating
  • Remove heart each night and soak it in some Polident
  • Buy expensive exercise apparel until you don't have enough money to eat
  • Reduce your fat intake; order your next hot fudge sundae without the ham chunks
  • Lunging at strangers with a bat can burn up to 100 calories an hour
  • Get the heart-healthy nutrients you need by eating the hearts of your enemies
  • Vigorously masturbate while watching aerobics videos
  • Become a butterfly

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