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A Look At The Class Of 2019

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2019, with the majority of students born in the year 1997. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Preparedness

Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

HeartSmart Health Tips

In these hectic times, very few of us make an effort to take proper care of our bodies. Here are some tips to start you down the path of more healthy living:

  • Remove salt lick from den
  • Give your heart a well-deserved break—re-route circulatory system so your blood is pumped by your pancreas
  • Just because you're at work doesn't mean you can't get some exercise; carry your desk with you on your lunch hour out
  • Implant back-up heart in ass; if heart fails, use back-up ass-heart
  • Avoid fruits—the bright colors can shock your system and strain heart
  • Use loud, forceful coughs to expel cholesterol from heart
  • Rape a wild boar
  • If you're too full to finish your meal, don't; save it in your cheeks until later
  • For 10 minutes a day, let deep-fried foods drain before eating
  • Remove heart each night and soak it in some Polident
  • Buy expensive exercise apparel until you don't have enough money to eat
  • Reduce your fat intake; order your next hot fudge sundae without the ham chunks
  • Lunging at strangers with a bat can burn up to 100 calories an hour
  • Get the heart-healthy nutrients you need by eating the hearts of your enemies
  • Vigorously masturbate while watching aerobics videos
  • Become a butterfly