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Tips

Choosing The Right Dog For You

Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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HeartSmart Health Tips

In these hectic times, very few of us make an effort to take proper care of our bodies. Here are some tips to start you down the path of more healthy living:

  • Remove salt lick from den
  • Give your heart a well-deserved break—re-route circulatory system so your blood is pumped by your pancreas
  • Just because you're at work doesn't mean you can't get some exercise; carry your desk with you on your lunch hour out
  • Implant back-up heart in ass; if heart fails, use back-up ass-heart
  • Avoid fruits—the bright colors can shock your system and strain heart
  • Use loud, forceful coughs to expel cholesterol from heart
  • Rape a wild boar
  • If you're too full to finish your meal, don't; save it in your cheeks until later
  • For 10 minutes a day, let deep-fried foods drain before eating
  • Remove heart each night and soak it in some Polident
  • Buy expensive exercise apparel until you don't have enough money to eat
  • Reduce your fat intake; order your next hot fudge sundae without the ham chunks
  • Lunging at strangers with a bat can burn up to 100 calories an hour
  • Get the heart-healthy nutrients you need by eating the hearts of your enemies
  • Vigorously masturbate while watching aerobics videos
  • Become a butterfly

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Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

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