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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Heat Fans Growing Frustrated With Team’s Lack Of NBA Titles Since June

MIAMI—Saying that the organization must make some serious changes in order to do justice to its impassioned fan base, supporters of the Miami Heat told reporters Friday that they are becoming increasingly frustrated with the team’s failure to win a single championship since June.

“For this team to have gone a full six months without a victory in the NBA Finals is simply unacceptable,” said self-proclaimed Heat diehard Liam Sikes, noting that the team has played close to a dozen games this season without having won it all even once. “What’s it going to take for these guys to wake up and return the hardware to Miami where it belongs? A title drought like this one is just plain embarrassing.”

“We deserve better,” Sikes added.

The team’s attentive, devoted, and well-informed fans, who characterized the Heat’s recent failures as the most shameful in the franchise’s illustrious 70-year history, complained that the organization had lost the winning spirit that made its memorable 2010 championship run possible. Many of these same fans ascribed the team’s decline to a lack of motivation, noting that it took the Heat until October to even play their first game this season.

Others reportedly condemned the leadership shortcomings of head coach Derek Spoelstra.

However, a faction of Heat supporters placed the blame on the team’s current roster, suggesting that perhaps a personnel upgrade is needed to give the team a chance at winning a third title.

“We need to sign LeBron,” said Miami resident Omar Santos, noting that current starters Shaquille O’Neal, Antoine Walker, and Pat Riley “aren’t getting the job done.” “Or if we can’t get LeBron, we should at least try to land a solid power center that can play a full 60 minutes every night. These nobodies they’ve got right now just aren’t cutting it.”

“Everyone’s going to have to bear down and make some serious baskets if they want to win another cup,” Santos continued.

While some Heat fans suggested that the team could perhaps regain some of its former glory were it to build a new stadium, all were adamant that nothing short of a championship victory would suffice, indicating that the team would have to win at least one title within the next few weeks in order to keep their supporters interested.

“We cheer their names, buy their jerseys, and take photos of ourselves at the games, and for what?” said Heat season ticket holder Isaiah Stroud, noting that the two periods he watched of the team’s Tuesday non-title-winning matchup against the Atlanta Pacers were “disgraceful.” “If they want to keep us around, they’re going to have to show us another NDA Championship. It’s just that simple.”

“You know, if this keeps up, I’ll start following the Orlando Magic, just you watch,” Stroud continued. “Now there’s a team that cares about winning.”

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