Heat Fans Wake Up To Learn Team Won Game 7

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Vol 49 Issue 25

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyo...

The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence Impeach President Barack Obama On the Mexico side of the border, h...

All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman

A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in his gated community in February 2012.
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WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Heat Fans Wake Up To Learn Team Won Game 7

MIAMI—A number of self-proclaimed “big Miami Heat fans” woke up this morning, turned on the local news, and were reportedly thrilled to learn that their team won Game 7 of the NBA Finals last night, sources confirmed Friday. “So they won the trophy?” said 47-year-old Coral Gables resident Frank Gardner, echoing the sentiments of millions of die-hard Heat fans throughout the area, who went on to note that they started watching the team more since the franchise acquired “LeBron James and Chris Bush [sic].” “We turned in early last night, so this was just great news to wake up to. So what does this mean for them now? Do they move on, or how does it work? I'm excited.” When told of the victory, a number of members of the Heat Nation said they love Shaquille O’Neal, think he’s a character, and that he must have played very well last night for the Heat to have won.

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