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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Heat Fans Wake Up To Learn Team Won Game 7

MIAMI—A number of self-proclaimed “big Miami Heat fans” woke up this morning, turned on the local news, and were reportedly thrilled to learn that their team won Game 7 of the NBA Finals last night, sources confirmed Friday. “So they won the trophy?” said 47-year-old Coral Gables resident Frank Gardner, echoing the sentiments of millions of die-hard Heat fans throughout the area, who went on to note that they started watching the team more since the franchise acquired “LeBron James and Chris Bush [sic].” “We turned in early last night, so this was just great news to wake up to. So what does this mean for them now? Do they move on, or how does it work? I'm excited.” When told of the victory, a number of members of the Heat Nation said they love Shaquille O’Neal, think he’s a character, and that he must have played very well last night for the Heat to have won.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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