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Heat Fans Wake Up To Learn Team Won Game 7

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Heat Fans Wake Up To Learn Team Won Game 7

MIAMI—A number of self-proclaimed “big Miami Heat fans” woke up this morning, turned on the local news, and were reportedly thrilled to learn that their team won Game 7 of the NBA Finals last night, sources confirmed Friday. “So they won the trophy?” said 47-year-old Coral Gables resident Frank Gardner, echoing the sentiments of millions of die-hard Heat fans throughout the area, who went on to note that they started watching the team more since the franchise acquired “LeBron James and Chris Bush [sic].” “We turned in early last night, so this was just great news to wake up to. So what does this mean for them now? Do they move on, or how does it work? I'm excited.” When told of the victory, a number of members of the Heat Nation said they love Shaquille O’Neal, think he’s a character, and that he must have played very well last night for the Heat to have won.

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