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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Heat Franchise Laughs In Nation’s Stupid Fucking Faces For 10 Minutes

MIAMI—After winning their second consecutive NBA championship, members of the Miami Heat reportedly spent 10 minutes Thursday laughing in the nation’s stupid fucking pathetic faces. “Ha, ha, ha,” said Heat small forward LeBron James, who stuck out his tongue, pointed at television cameras, playfully shoved his snickering teammates, and cackled wildly at every goddamn miserable lump of shit in America. “Oh my God, my sides hurt from laughing at all those dumbfucks.” At press time, the Miami Heat announced plans for a nationwide victory parade, visiting every city to laugh right in your disappointed fucking faces.

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