Heat Franchise Laughs In Nation’s Stupid Fucking Faces For 10 Minutes

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Vol 49 Issue 25

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyo...

The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence Impeach President Barack Obama On the Mexico side of the border, h...

All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman

A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in his gated community in February 2012.
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Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Comedy

Heat Franchise Laughs In Nation’s Stupid Fucking Faces For 10 Minutes

MIAMI—After winning their second consecutive NBA championship, members of the Miami Heat reportedly spent 10 minutes Thursday laughing in the nation’s stupid fucking pathetic faces. “Ha, ha, ha,” said Heat small forward LeBron James, who stuck out his tongue, pointed at television cameras, playfully shoved his snickering teammates, and cackled wildly at every goddamn miserable lump of shit in America. “Oh my God, my sides hurt from laughing at all those dumbfucks.” At press time, the Miami Heat announced plans for a nationwide victory parade, visiting every city to laugh right in your disappointed fucking faces.

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