MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Heat Lose Chris Bosh Indefinitely To Severe Poetic Justice

MIAMI—After straining his abdominal muscles, Miami power forward Chris Bosh will be out indefinitely in what appears to be a severe case of poetic justice for his arrogant and presumptive team, sources close to the Heat confirmed Tuesday.

An MRI performed late Monday confirmed the analysis: Bosh going down late in the first half of Miami's 95-86 victory over the Pacers Sunday was exactly what the team had coming for assuming the NBA title was theirs by right.

"After examining Bosh's test results, I have to say that this comeuppance for unbounded hubris will certainly keep Bosh out for the rest of the playoff series against Indiana, if not longer," Heat physician Dr. Harlan Selesnick said. "Unfortunately, no matter how fitting it may be, this is exactly the kind of cosmic, karmic punishment the team can't afford at this time."

Analysts agreed that Tuesday's 78-75 loss to the humbler, more team-oriented Pacers, who at no point attempted to create a top-heavy roster centered around three superstars, can be directly traced to Bosh's fate-induced absence.

"LeBron James and Dwyane Wade put up amazing numbers in that game, scoring 21 of the Heat's 24 points in the fourth quarter," Associated Press sportswriter Jeff Latzke said. "Of course, that simply showcases their selfishness and serves to demonstrate how the hand of universal justice was already smiting them for their unearned pride."

"The sight of Ronny Turiaf, Udonis Haslem and Joel Anthony struggling to make up for Bosh's presence reminds us that a team without depth can never truly prevail," ESPN's J.A. Adande said. "Unfortunately, when a franchise tries to buy a championship artificially instead of building a team naturally over years of hard work and development, it becomes more vulnerable to the machinations of fate as the universe attempts to restore its balance. Frankly, the Heat should have expected this kind of heavenly retribution."

For his part, Bosh has said that he would be back "once our season is extended" and that he hoped his injury "doesn't mean we have to wait another year for a championship," casting doubt on whether he has actually begun to recover from his case of poetic justice.

"It's exactly this kind of presumption, this sense of entitlement, the idea that the Heat are somehow destined to win simply because they are the Heat, that knocked Bosh out in the first place," Adande said. "At this rate it seems he's just trying to get D-Wade's leg broken or have LeBron struck by lightning."

Claiming that Bosh's aggressive playing style simply makes him more prone to stress injuries such as muscle strains, Miami coach Erik Spoelstra was markedly reluctant to address questions as to whether the Heat's generally unlikable attitude, infuriating sense of entitlement, or general lack of character played any part in fortune taking a much-deserved toll.

"As usual, I think the rest of the NBA is reacting with jealousy and bitterness by enjoying that one of our superstars is hurt. Well, we have two other superstars, and many of these lesser teams have none," Spoelstra said Tuesday night in a brazen display of exactly the sort of cocksure attitude the Heat are currently being punished for. "Enjoy your sour grapes while you can, because we do not plan to lose this one."

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