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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Heat Surprised It Took 4 Games To Beat Bucks

MIAMI—Reflecting on their first-round playoff series, members of the Miami Heat expressed their genuine surprise Thursday that they needed four games to beat the Milwaukee Bucks, team sources confirmed. “I know Dwyane [Wade] has been banged up, but it’s still pretty shocking that we couldn’t close out a team like the Bucks in less than four,” said small forward LeBron James, explaining that he and his teammates had expected to win the best-of-seven series in “no more than two or three games, tops.” “With the quality on our roster, there’s no excuse for letting the Bucks hang around like that. It was a real wake-up call for us, and we clearly need to step up our game for the rest of the playoffs.” James added that he hasn’t been so embarrassed since last season’s Eastern Conference Finals, when it inexplicably took the Heat seven games to beat the Boston Celtics.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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