adBlockCheck

Sports

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
End Of Section
  • More News

Heat Surprised It Took 4 Games To Beat Bucks

MIAMI—Reflecting on their first-round playoff series, members of the Miami Heat expressed their genuine surprise Thursday that they needed four games to beat the Milwaukee Bucks, team sources confirmed. “I know Dwyane [Wade] has been banged up, but it’s still pretty shocking that we couldn’t close out a team like the Bucks in less than four,” said small forward LeBron James, explaining that he and his teammates had expected to win the best-of-seven series in “no more than two or three games, tops.” “With the quality on our roster, there’s no excuse for letting the Bucks hang around like that. It was a real wake-up call for us, and we clearly need to step up our game for the rest of the playoffs.” James added that he hasn’t been so embarrassed since last season’s Eastern Conference Finals, when it inexplicably took the Heat seven games to beat the Boston Celtics.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close