adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Heat Wave Doesn’t Bother Local Contrarian

CHICAGO—Despite broiling temperatures that have plagued the residents of the Midwest and much of the Eastern Seaboard throughout the week, local man and lifelong contrarian Martin Rivers told reporters Thursday that the ongoing heat wave does not in fact bother him. “Everyone’s been complaining about the weather lately, but I’ve always liked when it gets nice and hot like this,” the aggressively contrary man said of the recent surge of intense heat and humidity that has seen temperatures climb well into the 90s, adding that “it feels good to sweat.” “I like distinct seasons, you know, and I think it’s nice to have weather extremes every once in a while. I mean, it’s summer; what do you expect?” At press time, those close to Rivers had confirmed that the nonconforming individual was loudly airing his hopes that the intense heat would continue through the weekend.

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close