adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Heat Wave Doesn’t Bother Local Contrarian

CHICAGO—Despite broiling temperatures that have plagued the residents of the Midwest and much of the Eastern Seaboard throughout the week, local man and lifelong contrarian Martin Rivers told reporters Thursday that the ongoing heat wave does not in fact bother him. “Everyone’s been complaining about the weather lately, but I’ve always liked when it gets nice and hot like this,” the aggressively contrary man said of the recent surge of intense heat and humidity that has seen temperatures climb well into the 90s, adding that “it feels good to sweat.” “I like distinct seasons, you know, and I think it’s nice to have weather extremes every once in a while. I mean, it’s summer; what do you expect?” At press time, those close to Rivers had confirmed that the nonconforming individual was loudly airing his hopes that the intense heat would continue through the weekend.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close