adBlockCheck

Recent News

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Heaven Adds Guardrail After Fifth Angel Plunges Over Edge

THE HEAVENS—Responding to concerns about the safety of the celestial domain, a spokesperson for God confirmed Monday that guardrails were being added along the perimeter of the Kingdom of Heaven after a fifth angel plunged over its edge in as many months. “Although warning signs have been posted around the slippery cloud edge for trillions of millennia, we hope this new infinite golden rail will prevent any further incidents,” said the archangel Raphael, adding that the Almighty was already dealing with several lawsuits over accidents resulting from souls leaning too far over the scenic outer rim or the occasional misstep of a drunk cherub. “We don’t want to ruin everyone’s enjoyment of Eternal Paradise’s glorious panoramic views, but the welfare of our residents has to take priority, not to mention the considerable cost of search efforts on the earthly realm.” At press time, heavenly officials announced that they would also be appointing a full-time lifeguard at the water of life after a seraph was discovered floating facedown in it.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close