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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
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Heaven Installs Spikes To Keep Cherubs From Shitting On St. Peter’s Gate

THE HEAVENS—Frustrated by how frequently they’ve had to scrub the structure clean over the past several millennia, representatives from the Kingdom of Heaven confirmed Wednesday they had installed spikes atop St. Peter’s Gate to prevent cherubs from shitting all over it. “It’s really embarrassing—not to mention disgusting—that the first thing new souls see upon arriving here for the rest of eternity is our main entrance absolutely covered in cherub shit, so hopefully the new spikes will keep those little bastards away,” said the archangel Raphael of the continuous strip of 7-inch interwoven stainless steel spikes that a team of contractors affixed along the top of the final threshold to everlasting paradise, noting that the divine beings’ droppings not only sullied the appearance of the otherwise grand and gleaming gate, but also produced a noxious odor that posed a significant health hazard. “It was a bit expensive having them do the whole length of the archway, but much less expensive in the long run than paying someone to power-wash it every other week. Plus, it’s a much more humane method than the poison pellets we were using before.” At press time, Raphael had turned his attention to shooing away the haggard assortment of mangy, mostly flightless cherubs that hobble around on the clouds surrounding St. Peter’s Gate, subsisting on scraps left by the crowds of the saved.

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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

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