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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Heavily Processed Food Makes Pathetic Nutritional Claims

CHATTANOOGA, TN—In a move that industry observers are already calling desperate, McKee Foods today unveiled new packaging for Little Debbie Zebra Cakes that attempts to emphasize the snack's feeble nutritional value. "When people think about getting five percent of their niacin intake, we want them to think of Zebra Cakes," said spokeswoman Celeste Freid, who showed an early prototype of the new design's bright bold claims that Zebra Cakes offer "some vitamin C" and contain "almost one percent of your recommended thiamin mononitrate." "People will know just by looking at the box that every 200 Zebra Cakes fulfills their daily fiber requirements." Though consumer Max Swindel, of Westport, MA, claimed the new approach is a "waste of money," he did concede the snack's original claims of "Delicious!" "Yummy!" and "Scrumptious!" were dangerous understatements.

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