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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Heavily Processed Food Makes Pathetic Nutritional Claims

CHATTANOOGA, TN—In a move that industry observers are already calling desperate, McKee Foods today unveiled new packaging for Little Debbie Zebra Cakes that attempts to emphasize the snack's feeble nutritional value. "When people think about getting five percent of their niacin intake, we want them to think of Zebra Cakes," said spokeswoman Celeste Freid, who showed an early prototype of the new design's bright bold claims that Zebra Cakes offer "some vitamin C" and contain "almost one percent of your recommended thiamin mononitrate." "People will know just by looking at the box that every 200 Zebra Cakes fulfills their daily fiber requirements." Though consumer Max Swindel, of Westport, MA, claimed the new approach is a "waste of money," he did concede the snack's original claims of "Delicious!" "Yummy!" and "Scrumptious!" were dangerous understatements.

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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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