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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Hedonistic Orgy Marred By Exclusively Overweight, Middle-Aged Participants

NORTH PLATTE, NE–"Aphrodite's Fantasy '99," a no-holds-barred, free-for-all orgy intended by organizers to be "a week-long carnal smorgasbord of wild, untamed sexual abandon and untold pleasures of the flesh," fell far short of its goal due to the exclusively middle-aged, overweight status of its participants, sources reported Monday.

Two of the many unattractive-when-naked members of the Cornhusker Couples' Connection Club.

"Uh, I'd really rather not talk about that," said desk clerk Mustafa al-Aziz of the North Platte Budget Motor Lodge, which has hosted the annual event since 1995. "I think they come here because of our location just off the interstate, I don't know. To be honest, I try not to think about it too much. That's a mental image I just prefer not to have in my brain."

The orgy, hosted by the 175-member, Omaha-based Cornhusker Couples' Connection Club, involved the rental of two of the motel's three floors and drew nearly four dozen couples from across Nebraska.

Unfortunately, none of them even remotely resembled the sort of person with whom one would fantasize about having sex.

"My Margaret and I look forward to this trip each year," said Karl Gustafson, 51, a semi-retired auto-insurance adjuster from Falls City who enjoys barbecues, Yahtzee and golf. "She's a dom into hot bi three-ways, and I enjoy getting [a form of anal/oral gratification] while strapped to a table in a rubber suit."

"That used to be a bit iffy because of my irritable bowel syndrome," added Gustafson, his male-pattern baldness gleaming with the perspiration of his recent exertions. "But lately I've been taking these Fibercon dietary supplements, and it's made a heck of a difference. Look out, ladies, the wild man of Timberbrook Village Condominiums is back in action!"
Though many of the participants somehow managed to greatly enjoy themselves, motel employees reported being notably non-titillated by the mass coupling of massive couples, which began Friday afternoon and is expected to continue through Thursday, barring stoppage due to hernias or fatigue.

"I got a room-service call asking for extra cots, so I had no choice but to go up there," said part-time busboy and maintenance worker Mike Lipton, 19. "The guy came to the door wearing a feather boa, nipple clamps and some sort of tribal grass skirt. He looked just like my late Uncle Murray."

According to nearby residents and police officials, ecstatic moans and screams could be heard coming from the building until well after 3 a.m. Saturday, causing them to feel vaguely queasy and, in some cases, experience nightmares.

"They don't cause no trouble, so we let them do their thing," said North Platte police chief Reginald Burkett. "Whatever they need to do to get their rocks off. Still, I'd say most folks around here tend to give them a wide berth."

In addition to local residents, a number of would-be participants also reported feeling uneasy with the event. Despite finding the idea of a marathon session of out-of-control group sex appealing in theory, several of those in attendance agreed that the reality of the situation failed to live up to their expectations.

"My husband Eric and I thought this would be a good way to spice up our marriage a bit, because things have been rocky in that department ever since the baby was born," said a towel-clad Janet MacAlester, 29, standing amid 15 or 20 naked, lovemaking fiftysomethings while glancing around for a chance to bolt for the door. "Most of these people look like they came from some sort of church bazaar my parents would go to. I mean, some of them even brought a dish to pass."

Growing increasingly nervous amid the writhing mass of sweaty, wheezing bodies, MacAlester repeatedly tapped the shoulder of husband Eric, who had become momentarily paralyzed with incredulity and fear by the sight of two elderly, obese couples attempting to remove each other's trusses.

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