adBlockCheck

Hedonistic Orgy Marred By Exclusively Overweight, Middle-Aged Participants

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Hedonistic Orgy Marred By Exclusively Overweight, Middle-Aged Participants

NORTH PLATTE, NE–"Aphrodite's Fantasy '99," a no-holds-barred, free-for-all orgy intended by organizers to be "a week-long carnal smorgasbord of wild, untamed sexual abandon and untold pleasures of the flesh," fell far short of its goal due to the exclusively middle-aged, overweight status of its participants, sources reported Monday.

Two of the many unattractive-when-naked members of the Cornhusker Couples' Connection Club.

"Uh, I'd really rather not talk about that," said desk clerk Mustafa al-Aziz of the North Platte Budget Motor Lodge, which has hosted the annual event since 1995. "I think they come here because of our location just off the interstate, I don't know. To be honest, I try not to think about it too much. That's a mental image I just prefer not to have in my brain."

The orgy, hosted by the 175-member, Omaha-based Cornhusker Couples' Connection Club, involved the rental of two of the motel's three floors and drew nearly four dozen couples from across Nebraska.

Unfortunately, none of them even remotely resembled the sort of person with whom one would fantasize about having sex.

"My Margaret and I look forward to this trip each year," said Karl Gustafson, 51, a semi-retired auto-insurance adjuster from Falls City who enjoys barbecues, Yahtzee and golf. "She's a dom into hot bi three-ways, and I enjoy getting [a form of anal/oral gratification] while strapped to a table in a rubber suit."

"That used to be a bit iffy because of my irritable bowel syndrome," added Gustafson, his male-pattern baldness gleaming with the perspiration of his recent exertions. "But lately I've been taking these Fibercon dietary supplements, and it's made a heck of a difference. Look out, ladies, the wild man of Timberbrook Village Condominiums is back in action!"
Though many of the participants somehow managed to greatly enjoy themselves, motel employees reported being notably non-titillated by the mass coupling of massive couples, which began Friday afternoon and is expected to continue through Thursday, barring stoppage due to hernias or fatigue.

"I got a room-service call asking for extra cots, so I had no choice but to go up there," said part-time busboy and maintenance worker Mike Lipton, 19. "The guy came to the door wearing a feather boa, nipple clamps and some sort of tribal grass skirt. He looked just like my late Uncle Murray."

According to nearby residents and police officials, ecstatic moans and screams could be heard coming from the building until well after 3 a.m. Saturday, causing them to feel vaguely queasy and, in some cases, experience nightmares.

"They don't cause no trouble, so we let them do their thing," said North Platte police chief Reginald Burkett. "Whatever they need to do to get their rocks off. Still, I'd say most folks around here tend to give them a wide berth."

In addition to local residents, a number of would-be participants also reported feeling uneasy with the event. Despite finding the idea of a marathon session of out-of-control group sex appealing in theory, several of those in attendance agreed that the reality of the situation failed to live up to their expectations.

"My husband Eric and I thought this would be a good way to spice up our marriage a bit, because things have been rocky in that department ever since the baby was born," said a towel-clad Janet MacAlester, 29, standing amid 15 or 20 naked, lovemaking fiftysomethings while glancing around for a chance to bolt for the door. "Most of these people look like they came from some sort of church bazaar my parents would go to. I mean, some of them even brought a dish to pass."

Growing increasingly nervous amid the writhing mass of sweaty, wheezing bodies, MacAlester repeatedly tapped the shoulder of husband Eric, who had become momentarily paralyzed with incredulity and fear by the sight of two elderly, obese couples attempting to remove each other's trusses.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close