Hedonistic Orgy Marred By Exclusively Overweight, Middle-Aged Participants

In This Section

Vol 35 Issue 43

Area Man Mentions That People Have Said He Looks Like Tom Cruise

PEORIA, IL—According to 44-year-old C&G Financial Services actuary Morris Brewer, numerous people have noted that he looks like Tom Cruise. "Yeah, I get the Tom Cruise thing a lot," said Brewer, standing within earshot of C&G office manager Teresa Litt. "A guy just told me that a few weeks ago when I took my car in for repairs. And this woman who lived across the hall from me used to always say it. I think it's the eyes. We both sort of have that stare." Brewer noted that he has also drawn comparisons to David Duchovny, "particularly in the hair."

Parking-Ramp Attendant Moves Slightly

HOUSTON—Parking-ramp attendant Bill Butler was detected making a slight movement Monday, sending shockwaves through the paid-parking industry. "He was sitting in his little booth, inert as usual, when his head turned about two degrees to the right," witness Lydia Ford said. "I thought I was seeing things, but then, about 30 seconds later, he shifted a tiny bit in his seat." Monday's incident is the first reported case of parking-attendant motion since 1983, when a San Diego ticket collector scratched his cheek.

Star Trek Fan Pretty Sure Show Stole His Idea

CHICO, CA—Star Trek fan Les Cordwainer said Monday he is "pretty sure" that the producers of Star Trek: Voyager stole his idea for an episode in which Captain Janeway finds herself growing attracted to First Officer Chakotay and worries about the effect such a romance would have on the smooth running of her ship. "I described a virtually identical scenario last May on alt.tv.star-trek.voyager, saying it would make a great episode," said Cordwainer following the airing of "Star-Crossed," in which the described events occur. "Why do they even pay writers if they're just going to steal their ideas off the Internet? They should be paying me." Responding to charges from fellow Internet users that his idea was for a Janeway-Tom Paris romance, Cordwainer said, "That just shows how they changed my idea around so I can't sue them."

Guitar-Instruction Manual Has Eddie Van Halen On Cover, 'Go Tell Aunt Rhody' Inside

ELIZABETH, NJ—Rock The House In 30 Days, a beginner-level guitar-instruction manual published by Elizabeth-based Learn-2-Play Books, features superstar rocker Eddie Van Halen in the midst of a raging guitar solo on the cover, and such traditional, public-domain songs as "Go Tell Aunt Rhody," "Greensleeves" and "Little Brown Jug" inside. "Get started on your way to playing awesome, brain-frying guitar solos like the master shredders," the cover proclaims. According to music-book collectors, the contents of Rock The House are identical to those of the classic 1943 guitar-instruction manual Strum Gaily The Mel Bay Way.

Driver Rules Out Driver Error In Crash

SPARTANBURG, SC—Driver error has been ruled out as the cause of a Nov. 20 crash that left two injured and caused more than $47,000 in damages, driver Dave Renker announced Monday. "After an exhaustive investigation of this crash, I have come to the definitive conclusion that the light was yellow when I went through that intersection," Renker said of the accident, in which his 1995 Honda Accord broadsided fellow Spartanburg resident Marilyn Cole's 1992 Buick Skylark at the intersection of International Drive and Route 40. "I will continue my probe until the cause of this crash is known. But at this point, we can at least rule out the 'Renker's Fault' theory." Renker said the focus of his investigation will now shift to Cole, whom he suspects may have been in a rush to get somewhere and entered the intersection before the light turned green.

I Got Some Shit To Be Thankful For

Hola amigos. What's goin' down in your part of town? I know it's been a long time, been a long time, been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a whole heap of shit to deal with. First off, the brakes have started to go soft on my car, which really sucks. I gotta pump 'em about eight or ten times to come to a stop, and by then, I'm usually halfway through the intersection. I checked the brake pads, and they seem okay. I'm guessing it's the master cylinder. That's gotta be it... master cylinder. That's gonna be a bitch to fix.

Do The Right Thing

After much careful rumination, I have decided to make public a rather embarrassing matter about my-self. Although I very rarely disclose the particulars of my personal life, I realize that the information I am about to impart would doubt-less find it-self, in a scurrilous and distorted form, in the pages of The Police Gazette and other infamous publications which profit off the misfortune of others, particularly those of great wealth and stature. There-fore, I concluded, I had no choice but to announce the news my-self, so that the truth may be properly conveyed.

Trying Children As Adults

Last week, a Michigan jury convicted a 13-year-old boy of second-degree murder for a crime he committed as an 11-year-old. What do you think of the growing legal trend of trying children as adults?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Holiday

Hedonistic Orgy Marred By Exclusively Overweight, Middle-Aged Participants

NORTH PLATTE, NE–"Aphrodite's Fantasy '99," a no-holds-barred, free-for-all orgy intended by organizers to be "a week-long carnal smorgasbord of wild, untamed sexual abandon and untold pleasures of the flesh," fell far short of its goal due to the exclusively middle-aged, overweight status of its participants, sources reported Monday.

Two of the many unattractive-when-naked members of the Cornhusker Couples' Connection Club.

"Uh, I'd really rather not talk about that," said desk clerk Mustafa al-Aziz of the North Platte Budget Motor Lodge, which has hosted the annual event since 1995. "I think they come here because of our location just off the interstate, I don't know. To be honest, I try not to think about it too much. That's a mental image I just prefer not to have in my brain."

The orgy, hosted by the 175-member, Omaha-based Cornhusker Couples' Connection Club, involved the rental of two of the motel's three floors and drew nearly four dozen couples from across Nebraska.

Unfortunately, none of them even remotely resembled the sort of person with whom one would fantasize about having sex.

"My Margaret and I look forward to this trip each year," said Karl Gustafson, 51, a semi-retired auto-insurance adjuster from Falls City who enjoys barbecues, Yahtzee and golf. "She's a dom into hot bi three-ways, and I enjoy getting [a form of anal/oral gratification] while strapped to a table in a rubber suit."

"That used to be a bit iffy because of my irritable bowel syndrome," added Gustafson, his male-pattern baldness gleaming with the perspiration of his recent exertions. "But lately I've been taking these Fibercon dietary supplements, and it's made a heck of a difference. Look out, ladies, the wild man of Timberbrook Village Condominiums is back in action!"
Though many of the participants somehow managed to greatly enjoy themselves, motel employees reported being notably non-titillated by the mass coupling of massive couples, which began Friday afternoon and is expected to continue through Thursday, barring stoppage due to hernias or fatigue.

"I got a room-service call asking for extra cots, so I had no choice but to go up there," said part-time busboy and maintenance worker Mike Lipton, 19. "The guy came to the door wearing a feather boa, nipple clamps and some sort of tribal grass skirt. He looked just like my late Uncle Murray."

According to nearby residents and police officials, ecstatic moans and screams could be heard coming from the building until well after 3 a.m. Saturday, causing them to feel vaguely queasy and, in some cases, experience nightmares.

"They don't cause no trouble, so we let them do their thing," said North Platte police chief Reginald Burkett. "Whatever they need to do to get their rocks off. Still, I'd say most folks around here tend to give them a wide berth."

In addition to local residents, a number of would-be participants also reported feeling uneasy with the event. Despite finding the idea of a marathon session of out-of-control group sex appealing in theory, several of those in attendance agreed that the reality of the situation failed to live up to their expectations.

"My husband Eric and I thought this would be a good way to spice up our marriage a bit, because things have been rocky in that department ever since the baby was born," said a towel-clad Janet MacAlester, 29, standing amid 15 or 20 naked, lovemaking fiftysomethings while glancing around for a chance to bolt for the door. "Most of these people look like they came from some sort of church bazaar my parents would go to. I mean, some of them even brought a dish to pass."

Growing increasingly nervous amid the writhing mass of sweaty, wheezing bodies, MacAlester repeatedly tapped the shoulder of husband Eric, who had become momentarily paralyzed with incredulity and fear by the sight of two elderly, obese couples attempting to remove each other's trusses.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More