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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Heightened League Awareness Prompts B.J. Raji To Schedule Breast Exam

GREEN BAY, WI—The NFL’s highly visible efforts to support Breast Cancer Awareness Month succeeded this week in motivating Green Bay nose tackle B.J. Raji to schedule an appointment with Packers doctors to receive a mammogram, team sources confirmed Thursday. “This is a very serious deal, and you can’t get this stuff checked out too soon,” said Raji, who had just administered a breast self-examination in the team’s locker room while encouraging defensive end Ryan Pickett to do the same. “It’s important to get to know how your breasts normally look and feel. I have to check myself as often and carefully as possible, because pretty much my whole body is lumps.” Raji, who has recently become more concerned about his health, also asked team doctors to perform a cervical screening.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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