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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Heinz Introduces New Quick-Recovery Sports Ketchup

PITTSBURGH—Calling it a perfect way to rapidly replenish essential nutrients after an intense workout, Heinz on Wednesday introduced a new quick-recovery sports ketchup to their line of food products. “Our new Post-Workout Recovery Ketchup is specially formulated with electrolytes and a dozen other minerals to help you rehydrate, re-energize, and get back in the game,” said Heinz spokesperson Danny Paylor of the condiment, which comes in both bottles and single ketchup packets he described as a “great on-the-go energy squirt” for athletes. “Whether it’s serious cardio or heavy reps on weights, this ketchup is supercharged with enough potassium and magnesium to restore you to peak performance fast—you don’t want to hit the gym without it.” Paylor went on to say that the ketchup works most effectively if paired with Heinz’s new Pre-Workout Homestyle Relish.

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