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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Heisman Candidate Promises Voters Free Health Care, Lower Taxes

MORGANTOWN, WV—With his stock falling and his projected share of the vote expected to be smaller with every passing week, Steve Slaton (RB-West Virginia) has begun making extravagant promises late in his Heisman campaign. "A vote for me is not only a vote for a gutsy all-purpose back who can run, catch, and block, but for free health care for all Americans, greater access to continuing education to those who qualify, and lower taxes for the American middle class," Slaton said Tuesday in an announcement approved by West Virginia's sports-information director. "Troy Smith may be a fast quarterback with a rocket arm, but he does not share your interests and does not believe in distributing the wealth as well as he distributes the ball." Heisman voters remain unmoved, saying that Slaton's two recent fumbles against Louisville prove that he is weak on national ball security.

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