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Heisman Candidate Promises Voters Free Health Care, Lower Taxes

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Heisman Candidate Promises Voters Free Health Care, Lower Taxes

MORGANTOWN, WV—With his stock falling and his projected share of the vote expected to be smaller with every passing week, Steve Slaton (RB-West Virginia) has begun making extravagant promises late in his Heisman campaign. "A vote for me is not only a vote for a gutsy all-purpose back who can run, catch, and block, but for free health care for all Americans, greater access to continuing education to those who qualify, and lower taxes for the American middle class," Slaton said Tuesday in an announcement approved by West Virginia's sports-information director. "Troy Smith may be a fast quarterback with a rocket arm, but he does not share your interests and does not believe in distributing the wealth as well as he distributes the ball." Heisman voters remain unmoved, saying that Slaton's two recent fumbles against Louisville prove that he is weak on national ball security.

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