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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Helicopter Ride Pretty Much Delivers The Goods

HOMESTEAD, FL—Following a tour of the Everglades National Park, helicopter passenger Pete Palmissano reported that the trip was basically every bit as amazing as he had anticipated since age 4. "Was it pretty much awesome? Yeah," Palmissano said of the 15-minute ride that featured two swoops and a full 40 seconds of hovering 20 feet over the ground. "It's a helicopter ride. Of course it was." Palmissano reported that in stark contrast to the thrill of his aviation experience, his drive back to the hotel in a rented Kia pretty much sucked.

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