Helping Your Kids Succeed In School

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Vol 35 Issue 30

Serial Killer Remembers Neighbors As Quiet, Unsuspecting

DOTHAN, AL—Arrested Monday in connection with a 17-month killing spree that claimed the lives of 23 people, alleged serial killer Henry Wayne Vaughn recalled his numerous neighbors as "quiet and unsuspecting." "The Blaines were nice people who pretty much kept to themselves," Vaughn said of Michael and Meredith Blaine, a young couple who lived across the street from the serial killer until their deaths on Oct. 9, 1998. "They always seemed very cordial and extremely trusting." Vaughn also fondly remembered the neighborly spirit of the Baggios of Juniper Street. "I paid their kid to mow my lawn once," he said, "and after that it was as if we were old friends." Vaughn also praised his postman as extremely polite and helpful, noting, "He'd come right into your basement if you said you needed help reaching something."

Struggling Local Theater Space Put Out Of Its Misery

MN—Refusing to let the dying theater space suffer any longer, compassionate Duluth civic leaders signed legislation Monday euthanizing the Crescent Street Playhouse, which had been fighting to raise awareness of itself throughout virtually all of its 14th year of existence. "We did all we could," said councilman Willard Hogue. "But by the end, that poor theater was just a shell of its former self. It's never easy to look into the eyes of a repertory company and tell it the end is near, but when that moment came, even the cast of True West admitted it was sort of a relief."

Ostrich-Farm Employee 'Asking For It,' Say Witnesses

TUCUMCARI, NM—Witnesses to Monday's vicious ostrich attack on farmhand Steve Padgett say the recently hired Ostrich Acres employee was "definitely asking for everything he got." "That guy was harassing that bird," farm visitor Brenda Arons said. "He should've thought about what he was getting himself into." Padgett co-worker Jim Twilley agreed, saying, "Gertie has put up with a lot from Steve since he started working here. I say it's about time he got what was coming to him." Padgett is hospitalized and in stable condition after sustaining numerous injuries, including severe cranial trauma and four broken ribs, in the flightless creature's assault.

Evolution In Our Schools

On Aug. 11 the Kansas Board of Education approved new science standards which de-emphasize the teaching of evolution. What do you think of this controversial decision?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

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Helping Your Kids Succeed In School

Now more than ever, parents need to be active and involved in their children's education for them to succeed. Here are some ways you can give your kids the support they need to thrive in the classroom.

  • If at all possible, set a good example for your kids by learning to read and write.
  • Make your child the envy of the school by buying him or her Trapper Keeper®-brand portfolios.
  • If you currently live in a community with high-quality schools, consider moving your family to an impoverished rural or inner-city area to improve your child's class standing.
  • Many television shows are actually valuable educational resources disguised as entertainment. For example, Gilligan's Island is a great way to learn about Gilligan's island.
  • Develop a working model for a reformed educational system that addresses the needs of every child at a reasonable taxpayer cost. Then become powerful and implement that system.
  • Get to know your child's schoolteacher. Ask why he or she can't drum some sense into the little shit.
  • Fostering a strong sense of self-worth is crucial to academic success. Send your child to school bedecked in precious jewels and carried aloft in a gilded chair by four loinclothed slaves.
  • Underfeed your child so he or she will become skinny and awkward. The child will then pursue academia instead of sports and social channels.
  • While education is important, make sure your child doesn't get all uppity with his or her book-learning.
  • There's no teacher like life: Lie about your child's age and enlist him or her in the army.
  • Children perform better in classrooms of smaller size. Lure your child's classmates away from school by dressing up as a clown and promising them candy and balloons from a great, big circus wagon on the other side of town.
  • In the future, knowledge will come in pill form. Wait.

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