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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Helping Your Kids Succeed In School

Now more than ever, parents need to be active and involved in their children's education for them to succeed. Here are some ways you can give your kids the support they need to thrive in the classroom.

  • If at all possible, set a good example for your kids by learning to read and write.
  • Make your child the envy of the school by buying him or her Trapper Keeper®-brand portfolios.
  • If you currently live in a community with high-quality schools, consider moving your family to an impoverished rural or inner-city area to improve your child's class standing.
  • Many television shows are actually valuable educational resources disguised as entertainment. For example, Gilligan's Island is a great way to learn about Gilligan's island.
  • Develop a working model for a reformed educational system that addresses the needs of every child at a reasonable taxpayer cost. Then become powerful and implement that system.
  • Get to know your child's schoolteacher. Ask why he or she can't drum some sense into the little shit.
  • Fostering a strong sense of self-worth is crucial to academic success. Send your child to school bedecked in precious jewels and carried aloft in a gilded chair by four loinclothed slaves.
  • Underfeed your child so he or she will become skinny and awkward. The child will then pursue academia instead of sports and social channels.
  • While education is important, make sure your child doesn't get all uppity with his or her book-learning.
  • There's no teacher like life: Lie about your child's age and enlist him or her in the army.
  • Children perform better in classrooms of smaller size. Lure your child's classmates away from school by dressing up as a clown and promising them candy and balloons from a great, big circus wagon on the other side of town.
  • In the future, knowledge will come in pill form. Wait.

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