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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Helping Your Kids Succeed In School

Now more than ever, parents need to be active and involved in their children's education for them to succeed. Here are some ways you can give your kids the support they need to thrive in the classroom.

  • If at all possible, set a good example for your kids by learning to read and write.
  • Make your child the envy of the school by buying him or her Trapper Keeper®-brand portfolios.
  • If you currently live in a community with high-quality schools, consider moving your family to an impoverished rural or inner-city area to improve your child's class standing.
  • Many television shows are actually valuable educational resources disguised as entertainment. For example, Gilligan's Island is a great way to learn about Gilligan's island.
  • Develop a working model for a reformed educational system that addresses the needs of every child at a reasonable taxpayer cost. Then become powerful and implement that system.
  • Get to know your child's schoolteacher. Ask why he or she can't drum some sense into the little shit.
  • Fostering a strong sense of self-worth is crucial to academic success. Send your child to school bedecked in precious jewels and carried aloft in a gilded chair by four loinclothed slaves.
  • Underfeed your child so he or she will become skinny and awkward. The child will then pursue academia instead of sports and social channels.
  • While education is important, make sure your child doesn't get all uppity with his or her book-learning.
  • There's no teacher like life: Lie about your child's age and enlist him or her in the army.
  • Children perform better in classrooms of smaller size. Lure your child's classmates away from school by dressing up as a clown and promising them candy and balloons from a great, big circus wagon on the other side of town.
  • In the future, knowledge will come in pill form. Wait.

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