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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Herculean Effort, Astronomical Expense Lead To Photo Of Whole Family At Disney World

ORLANDO, FL—A Sisyphean, continent-spanning voyage and the depletion of six years of savings at long last resulted this Tuesday in a single photograph of all four Schoepke family members in front of Cinderella Castle at the Walt Disney World Resort in Florida. "Hey, all right!" matriarch Brenda Schoepke said following the click of the camera shutter, a culmination that required an arduous, backbreaking overland journey from Idaho, many months of planning, and a monumental sum of money, with the only physical relic being the photograph of the squinting, badly sunburned Schoepkes in ill-fitting Disney-character-emblazoned T-shirts. "That one's going straight into the photo album!" The Schoepkes agreed the grueling, extravagantly expensive Disney World odyssey was much more successful than 2009's onerous trek to the Grand Canyon, which resulted in nothing after Brenda's camera was left behind at a highway rest stop.

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