adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Herculean Effort, Astronomical Expense Lead To Photo Of Whole Family At Disney World

ORLANDO, FL—A Sisyphean, continent-spanning voyage and the depletion of six years of savings at long last resulted this Tuesday in a single photograph of all four Schoepke family members in front of Cinderella Castle at the Walt Disney World Resort in Florida. "Hey, all right!" matriarch Brenda Schoepke said following the click of the camera shutter, a culmination that required an arduous, backbreaking overland journey from Idaho, many months of planning, and a monumental sum of money, with the only physical relic being the photograph of the squinting, badly sunburned Schoepkes in ill-fitting Disney-character-emblazoned T-shirts. "That one's going straight into the photo album!" The Schoepkes agreed the grueling, extravagantly expensive Disney World odyssey was much more successful than 2009's onerous trek to the Grand Canyon, which resulted in nothing after Brenda's camera was left behind at a highway rest stop.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close