Hercules Still Struggling To Complete 13th Labor

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Good Times

Hercules Still Struggling To Complete 13th Labor

GREENSBORO, NC—Stating that he had not yet fulfilled the labors set forth by Eurystheus to the satisfaction of the Mycenaean king, mythic hero Hercules announced Monday that for the 35th time in 3,000 years he will run for Greensboro City Council.

Hercules, son of Zeus, outlines his plan for funding the new pedestrian overpass on Maple Street.

While many are familiar with the 12 labors of Hercules, it is not as widely known that the Greek demigod failed to successfully complete his sixth task, killing the man-eating, bronze-winged birds of Stymphalus. Though his arrows slew many of the feathered beasts, several escaped, and as a result, Hercules was given a 13th labor to complete before he could know peace.

"I must pay penance for the murder of my wife and children," Hercules said. "So spoke the Oracle at Delphi. And to do so, King Eurystheus, servant of Hera and my most loathed cousin, has decreed that I must be justly elected to the City Council of Greensboro, District 2, currently held by Goldie Wells."

To complete his new task, Hercules first had to wait several millennia for the New World to be discovered and colonized, for democratic ideals to flourish during the Age of Enlightenment, and for the United States be founded and win its independence. He then had to move to North Carolina, become a naturalized citizen, and wait until the town of Greensboro was incorporated in 1829. When this was done, he established residency in the fledgling town and waited an additional 100 years for the second district to take form, at which point he began his numerous campaigns.

The powerful demigod must attract the crucial Teachers Union vote before he may finally rest.

Past elections have met with little success for the son of Zeus and Alcmena. His Pantheon Party does not have the support to qualify for matching funds, and several past opponents have run negative ads against him, citing Hercules' insolence in believing he is an equal to the gods, his proclivity to run off for a year at a time to chase bulls, and his dalliances with male companion Iolaus.

"I remember well the election of 1988," Hercules said. "It was the closest one to date. But the night before the polls opened, my opponent disclosed that I had killed Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons, and I completely lost the middle-aged female vote. Alas, I am not cut out for politics. Why can I not just clean out the Augean stables again?"

As a native speaker of an extinct ancient Theban dialect, Hercules has always fared poorly during debates. His frustration with the language barrier reached a breaking point in 2003, when he angrily ripped off the head of his translator and threw it into the sky mid-debate, creating the "Bloody Head" constellation.

Due to the exacting guidelines Eurystheus has laid down for the 13th labor, Hercules must run every part of the campaign himself. Consequently, he mans the phone banks and stuffs envelopes all day, breaking only for public appearances at supermarket grand openings and fun runs.

"By Zeus, I would rather shoulder the burden of Atlas again than go door-to-door collecting the signatures required to get my name on the ballot," Hercules said. "People are always sitting down to sup, and they do not wish to speak to one endowed with the strength of 10 men, clad in the skin of a mighty lion. Do they not know I choked the life from a Nemean beast to obtain this majestic pelt?"

With the election months away, anything is possible, but early polls show Hercules trailing the incumbent Wells by a substantial margin. According to local sources, despite his many previous campaigns, the ancient candidate is still met with suspicion by the electorate.

"I like where this guy stands on tightening business zoning ordinances and making Fourth Avenue a two-way street to reduce speeding in the residential areas," Greensboro voter Doug Marlon said. "But I take issue with his stance on sacking nearby cities and looting their valuables to bridge our budget shortfall.

"Besides, Hercules?" he added. "That name doesn't even sound American."

Next Story