Herman Cain Endorses Who Gives A Fuck

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Vol 48 Issue 25

Fussy J.J. Hardy Refuses To Stand On Nonorganic Dirt

ATLANTA—Fussy Orioles shortstop J.J. Hardy defiantly refused to stand on the nonorganic dirt in Turner Field Friday, complaining to coaches and teammates that the disgusting mixture of clay, silt, and sand was full of harmful additives and chemicals...

Behind The Down Pillow

TLC 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT We catch up with the 11 geese who provided the feathers for the 2006 Ralph Lauren King Size #10239.

Last Shaman Standing  

Bravo 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Aurumai wows judges with his newest power animal; Evagrius tries to retrieve enough souls to move on to the next round.

Justice Department Sues 2 Polygamous Communities

The U.S. Department of Justice is suing the communities of Colorado City, AZ and Hildale, UT, alleging a pattern of discrimination against residents who do not belong to the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Tear-Stained Final Words

"If you somehow gather the mental wherewithal to collect 30 UPC labels and mail them to our promotions department, we'll send you an Old Milwaukee pen and notepad set, perfect for scrawling down your tear-stained final words." – Old M...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Healthy Eating

Herman Cain Endorses Who Gives A Fuck

DOESN'T MATTER—Business magnate and former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain briefly returned to the spotlight Tuesday to announce he would lend his support to the campaign of nobody gives a flying fuck what Herman Cain has to say. "After serious consideration and soul-searching, I've decided to support [no one gives a shit about you, your political beliefs, and certainly not who you think should be president of the United States]," said the short-lived media phenomenon, reading from a prepared statement that in a sense does not exist if no one agrees to read or listen to it. "I [Just shut the fuck up now. We don't care. People are going to stop paying attention to you now and you are going to go away]." At press time, Donald Trump you've got to be kidding me, no way, nuh-uh, not even if he's announcing he invented a fucking time machine, I'm sorry, I just can't.

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