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Herman Cain Endorses Who Gives A Fuck

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Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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Herman Cain Endorses Who Gives A Fuck

DOESN'T MATTER—Business magnate and former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain briefly returned to the spotlight Tuesday to announce he would lend his support to the campaign of nobody gives a flying fuck what Herman Cain has to say. "After serious consideration and soul-searching, I've decided to support [no one gives a shit about you, your political beliefs, and certainly not who you think should be president of the United States]," said the short-lived media phenomenon, reading from a prepared statement that in a sense does not exist if no one agrees to read or listen to it. "I [Just shut the fuck up now. We don't care. People are going to stop paying attention to you now and you are going to go away]." At press time, Donald Trump you've got to be kidding me, no way, nuh-uh, not even if he's announcing he invented a fucking time machine, I'm sorry, I just can't.

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