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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Herman Cain Endorses Who Gives A Fuck

DOESN'T MATTER—Business magnate and former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain briefly returned to the spotlight Tuesday to announce he would lend his support to the campaign of nobody gives a flying fuck what Herman Cain has to say. "After serious consideration and soul-searching, I've decided to support [no one gives a shit about you, your political beliefs, and certainly not who you think should be president of the United States]," said the short-lived media phenomenon, reading from a prepared statement that in a sense does not exist if no one agrees to read or listen to it. "I [Just shut the fuck up now. We don't care. People are going to stop paying attention to you now and you are going to go away]." At press time, Donald Trump you've got to be kidding me, no way, nuh-uh, not even if he's announcing he invented a fucking time machine, I'm sorry, I just can't.

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