adBlockCheck

Herman Cain Lifts Suspension Of Presidential Campaign

Top Headlines

Politics

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Herman Cain Lifts Suspension Of Presidential Campaign

ATLANTA—More than eight months after suspending his campaign amidst plummeting poll numbers and allegations of sexual misconduct, Georgia businessman Herman Cain appeared at a spirited rally Friday to announce he was officially lifting the suspension and resuming his bid for the presidency.

"I’m back!" said Cain, surrounded by hundreds of supporters holding “Cain 2012” signs and chanting his name. "As of today, with the blessing of friends and family, my presidential campaign is once again in full effect."

"They wanted you to believe we couldn’t do this," he continued to uproarious applause. "They wanted you to believe that with enough character assassination, with enough dirty tricks, and with eight months of zero campaigning, I would drop out of this race. Well, let me tell me you something: The people of America have a different idea."

The announcement came as a surprise to many who assumed that Cain, still burdened by numerous sexual harassment charges and a poor showing in the primaries, had abandoned his bid for the White House. The former pizza company executive’s fundraising woes and nonexistent campaign infrastructure this year further convinced Beltway observers he had given up his presidential ambitions for good.

However, months after throwing his support behind then-candidate Newt Gingrich, Cain told supporters that his campaign was “back and better than ever,” and that he looked forward to battling President Obama all the way up to Election Day.

"We've got a lot of work to do, no doubt about that," said Cain, who added that campaigning in crucial battleground states, as well as officially securing his party's nomination at the Republican National Convention this month, would be key to winning the presidency in November. "But make no mistake, we are in this for the long haul. And I'll tell you something else: It sure feels good to be back."

"Just call me the Comeback Kid," Cain added.

Cain, who had not appeared at a campaign event since December, went on to tell supporters that his time off had allowed him to regain his focus and redouble his commitment to key policy platforms such as his 9-9-9 initiative, building electrified fences along the U.S.-Mexico border, and promoting prayer in public schools.

The former, and now current, candidate for president also took the opportunity to harshly criticize President Obama.

"Barack Obama will tell you he is looking out for ordinary American taxpayers, but this campaign knows better," said Cain, stating that he believes he has a "great chance" of defeating Obama in November. "I look forward to debating the president on this and other issues in due time, but until then, you better get your tickets ready, because it's time to ride the Cain train again."

At press time, Cain told reporters he was leaning toward former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney as his running mate.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close