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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Hero Cop Vows To Hunt Down Reasonably Priced Riding Mower

DETROIT—Calling himself "a man possessed," Dennis Zablocki, a 22-year veteran of the Detroit Police Department, announced Tuesday that he will not rest until he tracks down a reasonably priced riding mower, ideally under $950.

Detroit cop Dennis Zablocki.

Teeth clenched, the steely-eyed Zablocki told reporters he will do "whatever it takes" to hunt down a quality mower with at least 15 horsepower and a 40-inch cutting width at a price that doesn't strain his budget.

"The mower is out there, I just know it," Zablocki said. "I'm on its trail, and I'm getting closer every day."

"You hear that, mower? I'm gonna find you!" he added.

Risking the ire of Detroit sixth-precinct police chief Theodore Hill, who constantly instructs Zablocki to "go through proper channels," the 47-year-old lieutenant spends hours each day scouring newspaper inserts and lawn-care-equipment catalogs, doggedly pursuing every possible lead in his obsessive quest. Zablocki also makes frequent trips to Sears to sniff out "the word on the street."

"I guess it all started when the crabgrass set in," Zablocki said. "ChemLawn gave me the runaround, always quoting me their 'rules' and 'acceptable lawn-care procedures.' And every second they dragged their feet, another aphid was born to feast on my grass. Well, I've had it. My back's against the wall. It's time I took the lawn into my own hands."

Affordability is a key criterion for the wanted mower, Zablocki said. "Sure, I could max my credit card and get an expensive mower, maybe a $1,995 Simplicity 600L with hydrostatic transmission, full-power takeoff and an overhead-valve engine. But that's not what I'm after. I know an affordable mower is out there... somewhere. And I'm not giving up until it's in my garage."

Driving Zablocki on his relentless quest is the haunting, ever-present memory of his first lawn, destroyed nearly eight years ago by a dandelion epidemic.

"I gave everything I had to save that lawn—spraying, pulling, cutting," Zablocki recalls, his voice beginning to crack. "In the end, it just wasn't enough. The greatest lawn I ever had was ruined. And it lowered the value of the house substantially."

Pausing a moment to compose himself, Zablocki once again hits the street, unstoppable in his search. Whether he'll find the mower before it's too late or simply be consumed by his own madness, no one can say. But the steely glare in his eyes bespeaks a bitter torment, a pain that cuts far deeper than any mower blade ever could.

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