Hero Cop Vows To Hunt Down Reasonably Priced Riding Mower

In This Section

Vol 33 Issue 24

Comedy Central Celebrates One Millionth Airing Of Cheech & Chong: Still Smokin'

NEW YORK—Comedy Central reached a milestone at 3 a.m. EST Monday, when it aired Cheech & Chong: Still Smokin' for the one millionth time. "This is a film that deserves to be seen again and again," said Comedy Central president Alan Scherr of Still Smokin', which ranks ninth on AFI's listing of the 100 greatest films of all time. "This landmark 1983 work, in which Cheech and Chong journey to Amsterdam to raise money for a bankrupt film festival by holding a dope-a-thon, is an enduring, towering classic. Cheech displays an astonishing acting range in the film, playing characters ranging from Limey Bitters to Tristan DeNiteaway, to the uproarious E.T. parody, 'Eddie Torres, the Extra-Testicle.' See it hundreds of times."

Local Christian Sees Parallel To Your Situation In Bible

TALLAHASSEE, FL—According to local Christian Matthew Peete, a remarkable parallel exists between your current situation and events chronicled in The Bible. "You know, when Job was being tormented by the Devil, he felt like giving up, the same as you," Peete said. "But Job had faith that God would deliver him, and He did. You need to have faith, because, just as God tested Job, the Lord is testing you with your wife's infidelity."

Industrial Light & Magic Creates Believable Storyline

SAN RAFAEL, CA—In the special-effects company's most dazzling achievement yet, Industrial Light & Magic has created a storyline for the upcoming sci-fi thriller Orbital Velocity that is actually believable. The storyline, developed by ILM technicians using state-of-the-art 3-D computer imaging, is said to be even more plausible and non-contradictory than Godzilla's. "By digitally enhancing the original draft of the script, we were able to create a plot that is virtually linear," said ILM technician Colin Northrop. "When you see it up there on the screen, you'll swear you were watching something engaging."

Area Fifth-Grader Won't Shut Up About Raccoons

GOSHEN, IN—For the 41st straight day, Goshen fifth-grader Peter Driscoll refused to shut up about raccoons Tuesday. "The largest raccoon ever recorded weighed over 60 pounds," Driscoll said. "Baby raccoons are called kits and gestate for 63 days." "He just won't stop with the damn raccoons," said Valerie Driscoll, Peter's mother. "I don't know how much more of this I can take." Peter also noted that the name "raccoon" comes from the Algonquin word "arakun," which means "one who scratches with his hands."

NYC Health Department Cracks Down On Food Vendors Who Fail To Wipe Off Meat With Rag

NEW YORK—New York City Health Department officials announced a major crackdown on non-meat-wiping food vendors Monday. "Effective June 30, when a hot dog falls to the pavement, the vendor must pick it up and wipe it thoroughly with a rag before selling it," Deputy Health Commissioner Louis Holman said. "Further, the rag must be kept at least two feet off the ground and rinsed weekly." The new ordinance is the strictest passed by the city's Health Department since a 1996 law requiring food-service workers to be fully clothed.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Small Business

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Hero Cop Vows To Hunt Down Reasonably Priced Riding Mower

DETROIT—Calling himself "a man possessed," Dennis Zablocki, a 22-year veteran of the Detroit Police Department, announced Tuesday that he will not rest until he tracks down a reasonably priced riding mower, ideally under $950.

Detroit cop Dennis Zablocki.

Teeth clenched, the steely-eyed Zablocki told reporters he will do "whatever it takes" to hunt down a quality mower with at least 15 horsepower and a 40-inch cutting width at a price that doesn't strain his budget.

"The mower is out there, I just know it," Zablocki said. "I'm on its trail, and I'm getting closer every day."

"You hear that, mower? I'm gonna find you!" he added.

Risking the ire of Detroit sixth-precinct police chief Theodore Hill, who constantly instructs Zablocki to "go through proper channels," the 47-year-old lieutenant spends hours each day scouring newspaper inserts and lawn-care-equipment catalogs, doggedly pursuing every possible lead in his obsessive quest. Zablocki also makes frequent trips to Sears to sniff out "the word on the street."

"I guess it all started when the crabgrass set in," Zablocki said. "ChemLawn gave me the runaround, always quoting me their 'rules' and 'acceptable lawn-care procedures.' And every second they dragged their feet, another aphid was born to feast on my grass. Well, I've had it. My back's against the wall. It's time I took the lawn into my own hands."

Affordability is a key criterion for the wanted mower, Zablocki said. "Sure, I could max my credit card and get an expensive mower, maybe a $1,995 Simplicity 600L with hydrostatic transmission, full-power takeoff and an overhead-valve engine. But that's not what I'm after. I know an affordable mower is out there... somewhere. And I'm not giving up until it's in my garage."

Driving Zablocki on his relentless quest is the haunting, ever-present memory of his first lawn, destroyed nearly eight years ago by a dandelion epidemic.

"I gave everything I had to save that lawn—spraying, pulling, cutting," Zablocki recalls, his voice beginning to crack. "In the end, it just wasn't enough. The greatest lawn I ever had was ruined. And it lowered the value of the house substantially."

Pausing a moment to compose himself, Zablocki once again hits the street, unstoppable in his search. Whether he'll find the mower before it's too late or simply be consumed by his own madness, no one can say. But the steely glare in his eyes bespeaks a bitter torment, a pain that cuts far deeper than any mower blade ever could.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More