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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Hero Dog Fills Out Hospital Paperwork

BRACKNEY, PA—Ginger, a four-year-old golden retriever, saved the life of her owner Megan Walsh, 37, Monday by quickly and efficiently filling out Walsh’s copious emergency-room paperwork. “Without Ginger’s knowledge of my sister’s medical history, which includes multiple food allergies and penicillin intolerance, who knows what could have happened in there,” said Walsh’s brother Derek, who arrived late at the hospital but was relieved to learn that Ginger had “taken care of everything.” “She filled out the forms, and apparently was the only one who could locate Megan’s insurance card.” Ginger could not be reached for comment, as she was reportedly on hold with a Blue Cross-Blue Shield phone representative for 50 minutes.
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