adBlockCheck

Hero Fireman Saves Child Trapped in Bob Dole

Top Headlines

Politics

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Hero Fireman Saves Child Trapped in Bob Dole

PLAINFIELD, NE—In an inspiring display of modern-day heroism, Plainfield fireman James Pagnozzi yesterday saved the life of area resident Janie Siles, 4, who became caught in Republican presidential front-runner Bob Dole while exploring an abandoned barn. Siles, who was nearly crushed to death by the candidate’s case-hardened internal gears and high-speed threshing blades, is recovering at a nearby hospital.

Fireman James Pagnozzi holds 4-year-old Janie Siles, the little girl he rescued. Siles became trapped in Bob Dole's internal gears while playing in an abandoned barn.

Dole, who was breaking in a new John Deere turbodiesel engine between stumping spots at the time, said he was unaware of the child playing nearby and denied responsibility for the accident.

“Bob Dole is clearly marked with warning stickers stating ‘Do Not Play On Or Around Bob Dole,’” he said. “Bob Dole is not a toy. Bob Dole is the latest in modern self-supporting combine harvesters. Bob Dole will be the next President of the United States.”

It is believed to be the worst Dole-related accident since the Kansas senator was converted from steam propulsion after a boiler explosion killed two migrant workers in August 1916.

According to police, Siles was attracted by the shiny, moving shapes within Dole’s open hip panel and, reaching in, became engulfed in the candidate’s machinery. Fortunately for Siles, the nearby Pagnozzi heard her screams and was able to pry open Dole using a “Jaws of Life”-style hydraulic device.

“I’m no hero,” Pagnozzi stated modestly while recuperating. “I was just doing my job. But mark my words, those Bob Dole things are extremely unsafe. There aren’t any safety interlocks on his access panels or grain feed channels to prevent this kind of thing. If people keep heavy agricultural machinery such as Bob Dole running unattended, this sort of thing will keep happening.”

Dole, mistakenly left unattended with his side-access panel un-locked, expressed regret at the accident and gratitude toward Pagnozzi for saving the child’s life.

“Bob Dole sees safety as a big concern for Bob Dole,” Dole said. “Bob Dole is saddened by this little girl’s trauma, and Bob Dole thanks the Plainfield Fire Department for its quick intervention. Bob Dole will lead this country into the 21st century.”

An internal investigation is underway to determine the reason Dole was left unattended at a crucial point in his seasonal maintenance cycle, a time when he is normally surrounded by a security team.

“Bob Dole is not dangerous when properly handled by trained agro-technical personnel,” the candidate said, “Bob Dole will be the next president of the United States!”

Siles, now listed in stable condition, lost three fingers as a result of the accident. Emergency personnel searched valiantly for her severed digits so they could be surgically reattached, but after several hours the search was aban-doned. Ex-perts a-greed that the missing fingers must have already been sheared off, crushed in Dole’s grain hull/separator, and disposed of like chaff by being passed through his wastegate.

“Bob Dole cannot be blamed for tur-ning the Siles girl’s digits into processed silage,” Dole said. “Conversion of organic substances into food products for consumption by humans or livestock are automatic procedures within Bob Dole over which Bob Dole’s directional programming has no control. Bob Dole makes no apologies.”

Siles refused to speak to reporters about the candidate, responding to their questions with cries of, “Tractor bad! Tractor hurt Janie! No more tractor man!”

That sort of reaction, Dole campaign staffers say, is typical in small children when ex-posed to Dole’s internal me-chanics.

“Janie will in all likelihood be plagued by nightmare-like flash-backs for years to come,” Dole spokes-person Ri-ta Loew said. “We are confident, though, that as the wound-trauma sub-sides, the child will eventually lose its fear of Dole and learn to accept the device as its new leader.”

“Bob Dole is not scary,” Dole stressed. “Bob Dole is going to defeat Bill Clinton in November the way Bob Dole defeats broadleafed weeds in summer. Bob Dole will be adored by children and parents alike as the new low-maintenance, twin-turbine leader of the free world.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close