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Hero Fireman Saves Child Trapped in Bob Dole

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What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far

The road to the 2016 election has seen its fair share of blunders, miscalculations, and poorly worded statements, all captured by an eager news media that’s always on the lookout for political missteps. Here are some of the biggest campaign gaffes of this election cycle so far:

How The Iowa Caucuses Work

The votes cast in the Iowa caucuses on Monday night mark the official beginning of the 2016 election season, but the specifics of the state’s selection process can be confusing to voters who don’t live there. Here, The Onion answers the most common questions about how the Iowa caucuses work:

Iowan Comforts Sobbing Jeb Bush At Town Hall

DES MOINES, IA—Slowly approaching the distraught, trembling presidential candidate before embracing him in a gentle hug, 42-year-old single mother Holly Sullivan comforted a sobbing Jeb Bush during a town hall forum, sources confirmed Friday.

Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear

‘Hello Marco, We Will Now Begin The Program,’ Says Soothing Voice

UNKNOWN LOCATION—The brightly lit, stark-white room gradually coming into focus as he regained consciousness, GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly awoke in the Koch brothers’ secret compound Thursday and reached suddenly to his throbbing head to discover a cold metal device implanted behind his left ear.

Hillary Clinton Relaxing Before Debate With Few Hours Of Debate Practice

GOFFSTOWN, NH—Describing it as a much-needed escape from the hype and pressure surrounding the event, aides from Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign confirmed that the candidate has been taking it easy and kicking back ahead of Saturday’s Democratic debate with a few hours of intensive debate practice.

Terrified Jeb Bush Beginning To Fade From Visible Spectrum

LAS VEGAS—His voice slowing during his response to a question about immigration as he struggled to comprehend what was happening to him, a visibly terrified Jeb Bush reportedly began to vanish from the visible spectrum while on stage at Tuesday night’s Republican debate.

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.

The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness

A key issue currently driving a wedge between political parties in the U.S. is the question of so-called political correctness, or the avoidance of language and actions that could be construed as exclusive, oppressive, or marginalizing of minority groups. Here are the pros and cons of political correctness in our national discourse:

Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate

MILWAUKEE—Interrupted midway through answering a question about how he would reform the nation’s tax code, Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul was reportedly escorted off stage roughly an hour into Tuesday’s GOP primary debate after falling below the minimum 2.5 percent polling threshold necessary for participating in the forum.

Fact-Checking Ben Carson’s Claims

GOP presidential frontrunner Ben Carson is currently under fire for claims he’s made about his past in books and interviews, many of which journalists have alleged are fabricated or skewed in the candidate’s favor. The Onion breaks down what’s truth and what’s fiction.

Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates

Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates

Top Issues For Voters In The 2016 Election

With the presidential race well underway and the pool of candidates narrowing, Americans will soon have to choose their next leader based on how well they speak to the issues. Here are the top issues that matter for voters in the 2016 election

Winners And Losers Of Last Night’s Debate

The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate

Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years.

How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence

CEDAR FALLS, IA—Describing her shock and embarrassment upon learning that her personal struggles were shared with an entire campaign rally audience, 37-year-old Allison Kilpatrick, an unemployed single mother that Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio mentioned in a recent stump speech, informed reporters Thursday that she told the candidate about her problems in confidence.

Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker

MADISON, WI—Overcome by a profound feeling of dread and helplessness as the GOP field multiplied before their eyes, voters at Scott Walker’s press conference yesterday, in which the Wisconsin governor announced he was exiting the presidential race, reportedly looked on in horror as three new Republican contenders appeared on stage in place of the former candidate.

Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Dealing yet another blow to the former Arkansas governor’s presidential hopes, Dalton Hobbs, one of Mike Huckabee’s top snake handlers, has decided to leave the sinking campaign, sources reported Thursday.

Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Upon noticing that the Wisconsin governor had become disoriented during one of the moderator’s questions and begun delivering his response while facing the set’s backdrop, several of his aides rushed on stage during Wednesday’s GOP primary debate to rotate Scott Walker back in the direction of the audience.

GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Having rummaged through a cluttered backstage closet for nearly half an hour in an effort to locate its elegantly curved lavender form, stage manager Paul Guzman is said to have finally pulled the GOP’s official ladies’ podium out of storage for Carly Fiorina ahead of Wednesday night’s Republican primary debate.

Who Is Kim Davis?

Rowan County, KY clerk Kim Davis returned to work Monday after being jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds. Here’s what you need to know about the defiant public servant:
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Hero Fireman Saves Child Trapped in Bob Dole

PLAINFIELD, NE—In an inspiring display of modern-day heroism, Plainfield fireman James Pagnozzi yesterday saved the life of area resident Janie Siles, 4, who became caught in Republican presidential front-runner Bob Dole while exploring an abandoned barn. Siles, who was nearly crushed to death by the candidate’s case-hardened internal gears and high-speed threshing blades, is recovering at a nearby hospital.

Fireman James Pagnozzi holds 4-year-old Janie Siles, the little girl he rescued. Siles became trapped in Bob Dole's internal gears while playing in an abandoned barn.

Dole, who was breaking in a new John Deere turbodiesel engine between stumping spots at the time, said he was unaware of the child playing nearby and denied responsibility for the accident.

“Bob Dole is clearly marked with warning stickers stating ‘Do Not Play On Or Around Bob Dole,’” he said. “Bob Dole is not a toy. Bob Dole is the latest in modern self-supporting combine harvesters. Bob Dole will be the next President of the United States.”

It is believed to be the worst Dole-related accident since the Kansas senator was converted from steam propulsion after a boiler explosion killed two migrant workers in August 1916.

According to police, Siles was attracted by the shiny, moving shapes within Dole’s open hip panel and, reaching in, became engulfed in the candidate’s machinery. Fortunately for Siles, the nearby Pagnozzi heard her screams and was able to pry open Dole using a “Jaws of Life”-style hydraulic device.

“I’m no hero,” Pagnozzi stated modestly while recuperating. “I was just doing my job. But mark my words, those Bob Dole things are extremely unsafe. There aren’t any safety interlocks on his access panels or grain feed channels to prevent this kind of thing. If people keep heavy agricultural machinery such as Bob Dole running unattended, this sort of thing will keep happening.”

Dole, mistakenly left unattended with his side-access panel un-locked, expressed regret at the accident and gratitude toward Pagnozzi for saving the child’s life.

“Bob Dole sees safety as a big concern for Bob Dole,” Dole said. “Bob Dole is saddened by this little girl’s trauma, and Bob Dole thanks the Plainfield Fire Department for its quick intervention. Bob Dole will lead this country into the 21st century.”

An internal investigation is underway to determine the reason Dole was left unattended at a crucial point in his seasonal maintenance cycle, a time when he is normally surrounded by a security team.

“Bob Dole is not dangerous when properly handled by trained agro-technical personnel,” the candidate said, “Bob Dole will be the next president of the United States!”

Siles, now listed in stable condition, lost three fingers as a result of the accident. Emergency personnel searched valiantly for her severed digits so they could be surgically reattached, but after several hours the search was aban-doned. Ex-perts a-greed that the missing fingers must have already been sheared off, crushed in Dole’s grain hull/separator, and disposed of like chaff by being passed through his wastegate.

“Bob Dole cannot be blamed for tur-ning the Siles girl’s digits into processed silage,” Dole said. “Conversion of organic substances into food products for consumption by humans or livestock are automatic procedures within Bob Dole over which Bob Dole’s directional programming has no control. Bob Dole makes no apologies.”

Siles refused to speak to reporters about the candidate, responding to their questions with cries of, “Tractor bad! Tractor hurt Janie! No more tractor man!”

That sort of reaction, Dole campaign staffers say, is typical in small children when ex-posed to Dole’s internal me-chanics.

“Janie will in all likelihood be plagued by nightmare-like flash-backs for years to come,” Dole spokes-person Ri-ta Loew said. “We are confident, though, that as the wound-trauma sub-sides, the child will eventually lose its fear of Dole and learn to accept the device as its new leader.”

“Bob Dole is not scary,” Dole stressed. “Bob Dole is going to defeat Bill Clinton in November the way Bob Dole defeats broadleafed weeds in summer. Bob Dole will be adored by children and parents alike as the new low-maintenance, twin-turbine leader of the free world.”

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