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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Hero Lawyer Uses Technicality To Free Guilty Man

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Kenneth Michael Rafferty was set free Tuesday thanks to the heroism of attorney Morgan Schechter, who discovered a loophole in California arraignment procedure that made Rafferty's July 20 sentencing for armed robbery invalid. "I owe my freedom to Morgan Schechter," a teary-eyed Rafferty told reporters following his release. "If not for him, I would be facing the prospect of 30 years in prison for a crime I did commit."

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