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Hero Man Dials 911

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Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Hero Man Dials 911

NORCROSS, GA—Patricia Welch is lucky to be alive. Just days ago, the 37-year-old human-resources specialist lay helpless and bleeding on the brink of death, the victim of a freak accident in her own home. But the story gets even stranger: Welch owes her life to one brave but unlikely companion, who remarkably managed to dial 911 just in time.

Tony at home with his phone.

According to Welch, Tony, her 36-year-old husband and "best friend," jumped to action after a loud crash Sunday woke him from a mid-afternoon nap on his favorite spot on the couch. Running through the house, he eventually came upon Welch, who was pinned beneath a collapsed wooden shelf used to store canned foods and nearly unconscious. He immediately sensed that she was in trouble and, amazingly, headed directly for the upstairs kitchen phone.

"He must have somehow knocked the phone off its cradle," said Welch, ruffling Tony's hair as the two sat in their living room. "I guess he just did it out of instinct."

Tony's actions astonished even seasoned emergency personnel at the 911 call center.

"At first, I thought it was some kind of practical joke," said dispatcher Wanda Emerson, who fielded the call. "All I could hear was some panting and the occasional whimper. But then it occurred to me that he was actually trying to communicate with us."

Emerson said that Tony remained on the line long enough for her to trace the address and dispatch emergency medical technicians. She also believes he somehow understood her instructions to return to the basement and wait patiently by Welch's side until help could arrive.

"His loyalty was, literally, a lifesaver," Emerson said.

When EMTs arrived on the scene minutes after his call, Tony emerged, barking orders and other vital information to the stunned medical personnel, including six-year veteran Noah Archibald.

"He looked extremely excited, and we could hardly keep up with him as he led us downstairs to [Mrs. Welch]," Archibald said. "He had even fetched her a little blanket. It was as if he could tell how serious the situation was, and really wanted her to live."

Emory University behavioral psychologist Janice Applebaum said that, while rare, similar situations have occurred in the past.

"Men will occasionally perform beyond what we would expect in times of crisis due to a primal urge to protect their loved ones," Applebaum said. "Often it's a simple matter of adrenaline temporarily taking over."

"But I woudn't be surprised if Tony was back on the sofa in no time, as if nothing had ever happened," she added.

Welch said that she had never seen Tony dial 911 before, and speculated that he must have been imitating behavior he had seen elsewhere—perhaps even on television.

Whatever the explanation, Patricia Welch is thankful for the noble act. "Finding Tony has greatly enhanced my life, but I never thought he'd end up saving it someday," Welch said. "I'll tell you another thing: As soon as I get home, somebody very special is getting a nice, juicy piece of steak."

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