Hero Man Dials 911

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Hero Man Dials 911

NORCROSS, GA—Patricia Welch is lucky to be alive. Just days ago, the 37-year-old human-resources specialist lay helpless and bleeding on the brink of death, the victim of a freak accident in her own home. But the story gets even stranger: Welch owes her life to one brave but unlikely companion, who remarkably managed to dial 911 just in time.

Tony at home with his phone.

According to Welch, Tony, her 36-year-old husband and "best friend," jumped to action after a loud crash Sunday woke him from a mid-afternoon nap on his favorite spot on the couch. Running through the house, he eventually came upon Welch, who was pinned beneath a collapsed wooden shelf used to store canned foods and nearly unconscious. He immediately sensed that she was in trouble and, amazingly, headed directly for the upstairs kitchen phone.

"He must have somehow knocked the phone off its cradle," said Welch, ruffling Tony's hair as the two sat in their living room. "I guess he just did it out of instinct."

Tony's actions astonished even seasoned emergency personnel at the 911 call center.

"At first, I thought it was some kind of practical joke," said dispatcher Wanda Emerson, who fielded the call. "All I could hear was some panting and the occasional whimper. But then it occurred to me that he was actually trying to communicate with us."

Emerson said that Tony remained on the line long enough for her to trace the address and dispatch emergency medical technicians. She also believes he somehow understood her instructions to return to the basement and wait patiently by Welch's side until help could arrive.

"His loyalty was, literally, a lifesaver," Emerson said.

When EMTs arrived on the scene minutes after his call, Tony emerged, barking orders and other vital information to the stunned medical personnel, including six-year veteran Noah Archibald.

"He looked extremely excited, and we could hardly keep up with him as he led us downstairs to [Mrs. Welch]," Archibald said. "He had even fetched her a little blanket. It was as if he could tell how serious the situation was, and really wanted her to live."

Emory University behavioral psychologist Janice Applebaum said that, while rare, similar situations have occurred in the past.

"Men will occasionally perform beyond what we would expect in times of crisis due to a primal urge to protect their loved ones," Applebaum said. "Often it's a simple matter of adrenaline temporarily taking over."

"But I woudn't be surprised if Tony was back on the sofa in no time, as if nothing had ever happened," she added.

Welch said that she had never seen Tony dial 911 before, and speculated that he must have been imitating behavior he had seen elsewhere—perhaps even on television.

Whatever the explanation, Patricia Welch is thankful for the noble act. "Finding Tony has greatly enhanced my life, but I never thought he'd end up saving it someday," Welch said. "I'll tell you another thing: As soon as I get home, somebody very special is getting a nice, juicy piece of steak."

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