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Hero Woman Changes In Front Of Open Window

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
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Hero Woman Changes In Front Of Open Window

The courageous woman displays incredible selflessness and brings a community together.
The courageous woman displays incredible selflessness and brings a community together.

NEW YORK—Local heroine Emily, the smokin' hot neighbor lady from across the street, reportedly went above and beyond the call of duty Monday by selflessly changing her clothes within full view of her bedroom window.

Sources said the humble woman—whose last name remains a mystery as no one has yet summoned the courage to speak to her—did not accept any praise for her heroic act, nor did she mention her altruistic stripping to anyone afterward. But her sacrifice that evening will not soon be forgotten, as her fearless nakedness inspired dozens of passersby and saved the neighborhood from a debilitating drought of T&A; sightings.

"I never thought I'd see this day," said Juan Ramirez, 23, one of countless local residents who said they owed the gallant Emily more than they could ever repay. "You could see everything. Everything. Thank God she happened to be there, naked."

Displaying what eyewitnesses described as "enormous" bravery, an incredible rack, blond pubic hair, and a stalwart willingness to put others' needs before her own, the amazing woman reportedly pulled off a very tight sweater, paused to brush her long, flowing hair, and then reached with both hands behind her back to unfasten her bra. In an impressive act of charity and goodwill, she then proceeded to remove her pants and underwear—slowly, and with great care—before changing into a different outfit, thereby gaining status as a true hero to anyone within 150 feet of her window.

The heroic woman's nude form was reportedly visible for 35 to 40 heart-stopping seconds, and, according to sources, she never once wavered in the completion of her valiant act despite the chilly February air.

Although she did not reappear at the window for the remainder of the evening, nearby residents said Emily had already done far more for them than anyone could have expected, momentarily uniting the entire neighborhood in an unprecedented outpouring of private appreciation for her gracious nipple exposure.

"She is a true example of just how generous a human being can be," said Jim Petersen, 32, who lives two houses down from his new idol. "I think I speak for everyone huddled here tonight when I say I'll never forget what that benevolent woman did for us."

According to local sources, this one topless sacrifice has saved the entire block from the Emily's-naked-body deprivation that has haunted the area since she first moved in June 2007. After more than 18 excruciating months of drawn curtains, fears had begun to mount that the hypnotic curves of her glorious body might never be glimpsed by anyone in the vicinity.

"When I first saw her moving into the building, bending over to pick up cardboard box after cardboard box, I knew it was going to get bad," said neighbor Tommy Riordan, 35. "She had this tank top on, and cutoff—I don't even want to go into it. But it was clear that the whole block would be facing a major crisis from that moment on."

With no relief in sight, tension reportedly reached a breaking point last Saturday, when Emily answered the buzzer of her building and signed for a package wearing a terry-cloth robe. However, just when all seemed lost, sources said, she surprised everyone by removing not only her clothing, but also the neighborhood's heavy burden of half-formed naked-Emily fantasies.

"I didn't think we'd ever see all that pain and suffering alleviated, but God bless her, she did it," said Riordan, closing his eyes to remember the triumphant moment all over again.

"She did it!" he added with a cheer.

Though those most affected by her altruism said her fortitude and mettle deserves a showering of praise, the self-effacing Emily was too modest to take credit for her daring act.

"I just got home, changed out of my work clothes, and then went to the deli," the humble hero said. "I don't understand why everyone's treating me like some kind of saint."

"Who are you people?" she added. "Stop looking at me like that."

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