Hero Woman Changes In Front Of Open Window

Top Headlines


Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Hero Woman Changes In Front Of Open Window

The courageous woman displays incredible selflessness and brings a community together.
The courageous woman displays incredible selflessness and brings a community together.

NEW YORK—Local heroine Emily, the smokin' hot neighbor lady from across the street, reportedly went above and beyond the call of duty Monday by selflessly changing her clothes within full view of her bedroom window.

Sources said the humble woman—whose last name remains a mystery as no one has yet summoned the courage to speak to her—did not accept any praise for her heroic act, nor did she mention her altruistic stripping to anyone afterward. But her sacrifice that evening will not soon be forgotten, as her fearless nakedness inspired dozens of passersby and saved the neighborhood from a debilitating drought of T&A; sightings.

"I never thought I'd see this day," said Juan Ramirez, 23, one of countless local residents who said they owed the gallant Emily more than they could ever repay. "You could see everything. Everything. Thank God she happened to be there, naked."

Displaying what eyewitnesses described as "enormous" bravery, an incredible rack, blond pubic hair, and a stalwart willingness to put others' needs before her own, the amazing woman reportedly pulled off a very tight sweater, paused to brush her long, flowing hair, and then reached with both hands behind her back to unfasten her bra. In an impressive act of charity and goodwill, she then proceeded to remove her pants and underwear—slowly, and with great care—before changing into a different outfit, thereby gaining status as a true hero to anyone within 150 feet of her window.

The heroic woman's nude form was reportedly visible for 35 to 40 heart-stopping seconds, and, according to sources, she never once wavered in the completion of her valiant act despite the chilly February air.

Although she did not reappear at the window for the remainder of the evening, nearby residents said Emily had already done far more for them than anyone could have expected, momentarily uniting the entire neighborhood in an unprecedented outpouring of private appreciation for her gracious nipple exposure.

"She is a true example of just how generous a human being can be," said Jim Petersen, 32, who lives two houses down from his new idol. "I think I speak for everyone huddled here tonight when I say I'll never forget what that benevolent woman did for us."

According to local sources, this one topless sacrifice has saved the entire block from the Emily's-naked-body deprivation that has haunted the area since she first moved in June 2007. After more than 18 excruciating months of drawn curtains, fears had begun to mount that the hypnotic curves of her glorious body might never be glimpsed by anyone in the vicinity.

"When I first saw her moving into the building, bending over to pick up cardboard box after cardboard box, I knew it was going to get bad," said neighbor Tommy Riordan, 35. "She had this tank top on, and cutoff—I don't even want to go into it. But it was clear that the whole block would be facing a major crisis from that moment on."

With no relief in sight, tension reportedly reached a breaking point last Saturday, when Emily answered the buzzer of her building and signed for a package wearing a terry-cloth robe. However, just when all seemed lost, sources said, she surprised everyone by removing not only her clothing, but also the neighborhood's heavy burden of half-formed naked-Emily fantasies.

"I didn't think we'd ever see all that pain and suffering alleviated, but God bless her, she did it," said Riordan, closing his eyes to remember the triumphant moment all over again.

"She did it!" he added with a cheer.

Though those most affected by her altruism said her fortitude and mettle deserves a showering of praise, the self-effacing Emily was too modest to take credit for her daring act.

"I just got home, changed out of my work clothes, and then went to the deli," the humble hero said. "I don't understand why everyone's treating me like some kind of saint."

"Who are you people?" she added. "Stop looking at me like that."