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Politics

Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Heroic Broken Sewage Pipe Floods Congress With Human Waste

WASHINGTON—Calling the busted cylinder a national hero, sources confirmed Wednesday that a sewer pipe in the U.S. Capitol building valiantly burst open, pouring more than 1.5 million gallons of raw sewage into Congress and flooding the Senate and House of Representatives with human excrement, sludge, and wastewater. “Someone or something had to step up and fight for the American people, and when I heard that explosion and then saw congressman after congressman get swept up by a massive wave of feces and urine, I knew that sewage pipe had done something truly brave and extraordinary,” said one congressional source, adding the pipe’s heroics were evident from the outset when the initial explosion splattered Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) with wadded-up toilet paper, sanitary napkins, vomit, and cholera-containing pathogens. “Harry Reid must have guzzled down at least three thermosfuls of this brownish slop, and John Boehner was covered in human offal. Every Tea Party Republican, including Michele Bachmann and Steve King, had so much fecal matter on them that all you could see were the parts of their eyes where they wiped it away. They were all in one corner throwing up and dry heaving because of how putrid the smell was. This cracked sewage pipe deserves the Medal of Honor.” At press time, nobody was trying to fix the pipe.

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