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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Heroic Plastic Surgeon Gives Small-Breasted Starlet Chance At Normal Life

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—In this world of war, crime and death, it often seems there are no more heroes. But here in the City of Angels, a real, live angel emerged Monday, when plastic surgeon Gilbert "Gil" Kosinski—in a desperate, white-knuckle 30-minute procedure—heroically restored firmness, girth and jigglability to the tragically undersized breasts of 23-year-old would-be starlet Debi Sands.

Thanks to the heroic efforts of Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Gilbert "Gil" Kosinski, aspiring actress Debi Sands (left) finally has the large, bouncing breasts she desperately needed.

"I was only doing my duty as a physician," the hero surgeon modestly told reporters, speaking via cellular phone en route to a racquetball engagement shortly after the grueling surgery's completion. "I have taken a sacred vow, the Hippocratic Oath, to do whatever it takes to enhance a person's natural features, regardless of cost. It is a vow I will never forsake."

Even though she is only 23, the now-perky Sands (formerly Maureen Mulderheim) is no stranger to hardship. Tragically afflicted with small breasts at an early age, she refused to let her handicap get the best of her, instead focusing on developing skills such as make-up application and wardrobe coordination, all the while dreaming of becoming a movie star.

An idealistic young starlet when she left her hometown of Big Bear, MO, for Hollywood seven months ago, she grew up fast when faced with the harsh realities of small-breasted life in the big city.

"I couldn't meet the right agents, get invited to the right parties, or give the right handjobs to the right cokehead producers in the right Ferraris," Sands said. Though she earned a modest living as a TV bikini extra, true success, in the form of a speaking part or nudity-requiring role, eluded her.

"I was seriously considering going back to cocktail hostessing, where some nights I barely cleared 30 bucks an hour," she said, recalling those lean early months.

Aspiring actress Debi Sands.

But just as things were hitting rock-bottom, a friend told Sands about a new miracle drug called "silicone" that could restore her breasts. That's when Dr. Kosinski entered the picture. Just two days after a no-cost initial consultation, the life-saving surgery was performed at Kosinski's Rodeo Drive office, leaving the afflicted starlet's chest forever changed.

"Debi's plight moved me," the hero doctor said. "People were entranced by her dazzling smile, her beautiful blue eyes and her eagerness to sleep with men in positions of power. Yet, sadly, no producers wanted to see her with her top off in their movies." Kosinski paused, visibly overcome with emotion, or possibly the three martinis he had consumed during lunch at Spago's, before continuing. "I took one look at her and thought, 'I've got to help this gorgeous little piece of ass lead a normal life.'"

Though the surgery required great sacrifice on Kosinski's part, the miracle healer endured the inconveniences with bravery and aplomb. "Sure, I had a great tee time with a very rich client that I had to cancel. But I knew in my heart that this was more important."

Now in possession of a more-than-healthy 38-D chest, Sands has already made it past the first casting cut for Paramount Pictures' upcoming Body Wishes, a romance-thriller which climaxes in a strip-club shootout.

"There's a dozen strippers who get blown away in that scene," Sands said, her voice brimming with newfound confidence. "I know I'm going to be one of them."

But as much as the surgery has meant to Sands and her career, it meant perhaps even more to Kosinski.

"This procedure has special significance for me," Kosinski said. "It's the same exact one I performed on my own lovely wife of 19 months, Trish, who is almost the same age as Debi."

When asked if he had ever used his healing powers to aid those disfigured by burns, accidents or acts of violence, Kosinski said, "Why, no." Yet he says his heart goes out to all the cosmetically imperfect people of the world—regardless of race, creed, color or income.

"My soul aches when I think of all the other starlets out there just like Debi, who could also be given a new life through the miracle of modern medical science, if only they had the $9,800."

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