Heroic Plastic Surgeon Gives Small-Breasted Starlet Chance At Normal Life

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Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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Heroic Plastic Surgeon Gives Small-Breasted Starlet Chance At Normal Life

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—In this world of war, crime and death, it often seems there are no more heroes. But here in the City of Angels, a real, live angel emerged Monday, when plastic surgeon Gilbert "Gil" Kosinski—in a desperate, white-knuckle 30-minute procedure—heroically restored firmness, girth and jigglability to the tragically undersized breasts of 23-year-old would-be starlet Debi Sands.

Thanks to the heroic efforts of Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Gilbert "Gil" Kosinski, aspiring actress Debi Sands (left) finally has the large, bouncing breasts she desperately needed.

"I was only doing my duty as a physician," the hero surgeon modestly told reporters, speaking via cellular phone en route to a racquetball engagement shortly after the grueling surgery's completion. "I have taken a sacred vow, the Hippocratic Oath, to do whatever it takes to enhance a person's natural features, regardless of cost. It is a vow I will never forsake."

Even though she is only 23, the now-perky Sands (formerly Maureen Mulderheim) is no stranger to hardship. Tragically afflicted with small breasts at an early age, she refused to let her handicap get the best of her, instead focusing on developing skills such as make-up application and wardrobe coordination, all the while dreaming of becoming a movie star.

An idealistic young starlet when she left her hometown of Big Bear, MO, for Hollywood seven months ago, she grew up fast when faced with the harsh realities of small-breasted life in the big city.

"I couldn't meet the right agents, get invited to the right parties, or give the right handjobs to the right cokehead producers in the right Ferraris," Sands said. Though she earned a modest living as a TV bikini extra, true success, in the form of a speaking part or nudity-requiring role, eluded her.

"I was seriously considering going back to cocktail hostessing, where some nights I barely cleared 30 bucks an hour," she said, recalling those lean early months.

Aspiring actress Debi Sands.

But just as things were hitting rock-bottom, a friend told Sands about a new miracle drug called "silicone" that could restore her breasts. That's when Dr. Kosinski entered the picture. Just two days after a no-cost initial consultation, the life-saving surgery was performed at Kosinski's Rodeo Drive office, leaving the afflicted starlet's chest forever changed.

"Debi's plight moved me," the hero doctor said. "People were entranced by her dazzling smile, her beautiful blue eyes and her eagerness to sleep with men in positions of power. Yet, sadly, no producers wanted to see her with her top off in their movies." Kosinski paused, visibly overcome with emotion, or possibly the three martinis he had consumed during lunch at Spago's, before continuing. "I took one look at her and thought, 'I've got to help this gorgeous little piece of ass lead a normal life.'"

Though the surgery required great sacrifice on Kosinski's part, the miracle healer endured the inconveniences with bravery and aplomb. "Sure, I had a great tee time with a very rich client that I had to cancel. But I knew in my heart that this was more important."

Now in possession of a more-than-healthy 38-D chest, Sands has already made it past the first casting cut for Paramount Pictures' upcoming Body Wishes, a romance-thriller which climaxes in a strip-club shootout.

"There's a dozen strippers who get blown away in that scene," Sands said, her voice brimming with newfound confidence. "I know I'm going to be one of them."

But as much as the surgery has meant to Sands and her career, it meant perhaps even more to Kosinski.

"This procedure has special significance for me," Kosinski said. "It's the same exact one I performed on my own lovely wife of 19 months, Trish, who is almost the same age as Debi."

When asked if he had ever used his healing powers to aid those disfigured by burns, accidents or acts of violence, Kosinski said, "Why, no." Yet he says his heart goes out to all the cosmetically imperfect people of the world—regardless of race, creed, color or income.

"My soul aches when I think of all the other starlets out there just like Debi, who could also be given a new life through the miracle of modern medical science, if only they had the $9,800."