Heroic Plastic Surgeon Gives Small-Breasted Starlet Chance At Normal Life

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Vol 31 Issue 06

Sex Officials Add New Base Between Second And Third

WASHINGTON, DC—Adolescents across the nation were thrilled by the U.S. Sex Department's announcement Monday that a new base will soon be added. According to Sex Department spokesperson Pat Phelps, the added base will immediately follow second, the touching of breasts, and precede third, the touching of genitals. The new base will involve "the sliding of the hand between the butt cheeks." Sex officials stressed that the base would only be considered reached if the plane of the outer buttocks is broken by the edge of the hand. Baltimore resident Todd Kerr, 15, reported reaching the new base Tuesday with Suzy Hebert, 14, but U.S. sex officials are disputing the claim, asking Kerr to "prove it."

Out-Of-State License Plate Seen

SEYMOUR, IN—In a rare instance of roadway variety, a license plate from a far-away state was spotted on Maple Lane Tuesday. The exact state from which the vehicle originated was not known, as it was too far away for witnesses to make out the license's fine print. "I think it might have been from New York, because I think I saw that picture of the Statue of Liberty in the middle," said Milton Herkimer, who lives at 45 Maple Lane. "But maybe it was a pelican." Neighbor MarySue Petersen said she "thought it said 'California' across the top," but acknowledged that "I didn't have my reading glasses on at the time." Despite widely varying descriptions of the license plate, all agreed that it was "not from Indiana."

IRS Now Requiring Taxpayers To Tip

WASHINGTON, DC—Internal Revenue Service officials pushed legislation through Congress Monday requiring all taxpayers to add a gratuity of "no less than 12 percent" to 1997 income-tax payments. "We work hard," IRS director Hiram Stockton said, "and, apparently, many taxpayers don't realize that IRS agents rely on tips to make ends meet." The new era of mandatory tipping is expected to be a boon for IRS agents, many of whom say they could not subsist on the voluntary, often-meager tips of the past. "We process forms in a timely fashion, send out refunds promptly, and always stop by each taxpayer's home to ask, 'Is everything all right here? Can I get you anything else?' as often as we can during the tax-filing season," IRS processing agent XJRC-1582H-GY3-5 said. Families with eight or more dependents will have a 20 percent gratuity automatically added to their tax bill. Failure to tip will result in a $50,000 fine and/or up to 15 years in federal prison.

Former Presidents Convene For Liver Spot Summit

RANCHO MIRAGE, CA—Liver spots topped the agenda this weekend at a summit held by the four living former U.S. presidents. Meeting at Gerald Ford's Southern California ranch, the presidents discussed numerous liver-spot-related issues. Jimmy Carter reported having them on his arms. "I have them all over my face," Gerald Ford said. "I also have them on my chest." Secret Service agents were dispatched several times in Air Force Two to procure special, security-cleared vials of Pond's Medicated Cream for the talks. Also on the summit agenda: wheezing, moving from a seated to standing position, and arm fat. Secret Service costs for protecting the four living ex-presidents amounted to $27 billion for the three-day summit.

The X-Files' Ann Gillian Is Back On The Market!

Item! X-Files star Ann Gillian is now X-Wife Ann Gillian. According to one of my better inside sources, the deadly agent with a license to thrill was taking too many risks for her husband's liking. So, he packed the china, and it was adios! Can you believe some guy would walk out on America's sexiest CIA agent? Somebody ought to check his pulse! Anyway, if you're reading this column, Ann, I'm still free this Saturday night!

That Wisecracking Duck Is A Pest

Last week, I became highly displeased with my nurse's inability to read to me. She speaks as though her mouth is full of porridge, and it is agony watching her great, fat lips make mush of the effervescent prose of Horatio Alger.

Hi, I Have Cancer

Hi there! What'cha up to? Just hanging out? Me, too. My name's Jerry. I have cancer.

Air Force Follies

In the past few weeks, U.S. Air Force pilots have been involved in a number of dangerous incidents involving irresponsible flying. Most notable were two incidents in New Jersey last week, in which F-16 jets chased commercial airliners out of their flight patterns. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Heroic Plastic Surgeon Gives Small-Breasted Starlet Chance At Normal Life

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—In this world of war, crime and death, it often seems there are no more heroes. But here in the City of Angels, a real, live angel emerged Monday, when plastic surgeon Gilbert "Gil" Kosinski—in a desperate, white-knuckle 30-minute procedure—heroically restored firmness, girth and jigglability to the tragically undersized breasts of 23-year-old would-be starlet Debi Sands.

Thanks to the heroic efforts of Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Gilbert "Gil" Kosinski, aspiring actress Debi Sands (left) finally has the large, bouncing breasts she desperately needed.

"I was only doing my duty as a physician," the hero surgeon modestly told reporters, speaking via cellular phone en route to a racquetball engagement shortly after the grueling surgery's completion. "I have taken a sacred vow, the Hippocratic Oath, to do whatever it takes to enhance a person's natural features, regardless of cost. It is a vow I will never forsake."

Even though she is only 23, the now-perky Sands (formerly Maureen Mulderheim) is no stranger to hardship. Tragically afflicted with small breasts at an early age, she refused to let her handicap get the best of her, instead focusing on developing skills such as make-up application and wardrobe coordination, all the while dreaming of becoming a movie star.

An idealistic young starlet when she left her hometown of Big Bear, MO, for Hollywood seven months ago, she grew up fast when faced with the harsh realities of small-breasted life in the big city.

"I couldn't meet the right agents, get invited to the right parties, or give the right handjobs to the right cokehead producers in the right Ferraris," Sands said. Though she earned a modest living as a TV bikini extra, true success, in the form of a speaking part or nudity-requiring role, eluded her.

"I was seriously considering going back to cocktail hostessing, where some nights I barely cleared 30 bucks an hour," she said, recalling those lean early months.

Aspiring actress Debi Sands.

But just as things were hitting rock-bottom, a friend told Sands about a new miracle drug called "silicone" that could restore her breasts. That's when Dr. Kosinski entered the picture. Just two days after a no-cost initial consultation, the life-saving surgery was performed at Kosinski's Rodeo Drive office, leaving the afflicted starlet's chest forever changed.

"Debi's plight moved me," the hero doctor said. "People were entranced by her dazzling smile, her beautiful blue eyes and her eagerness to sleep with men in positions of power. Yet, sadly, no producers wanted to see her with her top off in their movies." Kosinski paused, visibly overcome with emotion, or possibly the three martinis he had consumed during lunch at Spago's, before continuing. "I took one look at her and thought, 'I've got to help this gorgeous little piece of ass lead a normal life.'"

Though the surgery required great sacrifice on Kosinski's part, the miracle healer endured the inconveniences with bravery and aplomb. "Sure, I had a great tee time with a very rich client that I had to cancel. But I knew in my heart that this was more important."

Now in possession of a more-than-healthy 38-D chest, Sands has already made it past the first casting cut for Paramount Pictures' upcoming Body Wishes, a romance-thriller which climaxes in a strip-club shootout.

"There's a dozen strippers who get blown away in that scene," Sands said, her voice brimming with newfound confidence. "I know I'm going to be one of them."

But as much as the surgery has meant to Sands and her career, it meant perhaps even more to Kosinski.

"This procedure has special significance for me," Kosinski said. "It's the same exact one I performed on my own lovely wife of 19 months, Trish, who is almost the same age as Debi."

When asked if he had ever used his healing powers to aid those disfigured by burns, accidents or acts of violence, Kosinski said, "Why, no." Yet he says his heart goes out to all the cosmetically imperfect people of the world—regardless of race, creed, color or income.

"My soul aches when I think of all the other starlets out there just like Debi, who could also be given a new life through the miracle of modern medical science, if only they had the $9,800."

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