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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Hershey's Announces It's All Out Of Candy

'It's Been A Hell Of A Run, Folks,' Say Retiring Executives

HERSHEY, PA—Hershey's, the American confectionery giant behind such treats as Hershey's Kisses, Twizzlers, and the Symphony chocolate bar, announced Tuesday that it had run out of candy and would cease operations immediately. "Well, that'll about do it," Hershey's CEO John P. Bilbrey said at a press conference as workers boarded up a factory behind him. "In 1894, Milton S. Hershey started this company with nothing more than a dream and a warehouse filled with 8 trillion individually wrapped pieces of candy. But now the cupboard is bare, I'm afraid. We had a good run, but the fat lady has sung." Bilbrey concluded his speech by digging into his pockets and throwing one last handful of Mr. Goodbar miniatures to reporters.

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