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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Hershey's Announces It's All Out Of Candy

'It's Been A Hell Of A Run, Folks,' Say Retiring Executives

HERSHEY, PA—Hershey's, the American confectionery giant behind such treats as Hershey's Kisses, Twizzlers, and the Symphony chocolate bar, announced Tuesday that it had run out of candy and would cease operations immediately. "Well, that'll about do it," Hershey's CEO John P. Bilbrey said at a press conference as workers boarded up a factory behind him. "In 1894, Milton S. Hershey started this company with nothing more than a dream and a warehouse filled with 8 trillion individually wrapped pieces of candy. But now the cupboard is bare, I'm afraid. We had a good run, but the fat lady has sung." Bilbrey concluded his speech by digging into his pockets and throwing one last handful of Mr. Goodbar miniatures to reporters.

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