adBlockCheck

'He's A Stockbroker,' Says Woman Who Finds That Exciting

Top Headlines

International

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

'He's A Stockbroker,' Says Woman Who Finds That Exciting

NEW YORK—During a 12:30 luncheon with friends at Niko Niko Tuesday, Pamela Gordon, 27, described her recent date with 30-year-old stockbroker Ken Rosen. "Well, he's a stockbroker," Gordon said. "His name is Ken... He's really cute... And he was just promoted at Piper Jaffray!" Gordon's friends told reporters that she has not been this excited since she dated a producer in 2002.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close