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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Hey Ruperd Murdach, Go Back to Austria!

The Outside Scoop

Item! Fox recently had a name change contest for their smutty show Too Something. Well, I cast my vote for Too Smutty for Decent Americans! How do you like that, Ruperd Murdach? That sort of stuff may play in the Austrian homeland, but not in the good old USA!

Tempest Bledsoe (no relation to smoking-hot New England Patriots quarterback Drew Bledsoe), Oprah Winfrey Larry King and Phil Donahue all have their own talk shows! Is it me, or can anyone get a talk show these days?

If Yoko Ono married Imogene Coco, then she’d be Yoko Coco! Oh, wouldn’t that be a stitch. It’s too bad that the prospect of two women marrying flies in the face of Christian law; otherwise we’d have a doozy of a time laughing at the rhyming name!

Item! Woody Allen has a new movie coming out. Word on it is that he has dipped into his past with Rutger Hauer to make a comedy-action movie the way only Woody can! Apparently, the story is based on a little mix-up he and Rutger had with the mob in the early ’70s. I haven’t heard details yet, but you can be sure that it’s hi-larious! Woody, that’s what you get for marrying Frank Sinatra’s wife!

Item! Leggy Sigourney Weaver may still have a few tricks up her sleeve! A little bird told me she’s going to switch directions and star in a science fiction movie about aliens. No, I don’t mean from south of the border! These aliens live in outer space and have two mouths. “The better to kiss you with, my dear!”

Item! It’s the battle of brainy cars! At a recent car and truck show, attendees were delighted to find both KITT (from Knight Rider) and Viper (from Viper). I have it on good authority, though, that KITT wasn’t as pleased as the fans, though. Apparently, the prima donna automobile was fit to be tied at the prospect of having to share the road with this young buck of a car. Hey KITT! Cool your engine block!

In the Heard It On the Grapevine category, I heard that, before he died, Bill Bixby completed a TV movie with him as all three of his characters: David (The Hulk) Banner, Eddie’s father, and that other guy he played. Oh, I would kill my mom to get a copy of that on video! (Sorry mom!)

Day 2609 without any news from ever-so-reclusive Joseph Cotten. What’s the matter, Joseph? Is there anything I can do to bring you out of hiding? I make great lasagna.

Hey, did anyone besides me see that great touchdown in the Bears/Packers game? It was phenomenal. I mean, he had the ball, he ran with the ball, and then he dove over the guy into the end zone, and he still had the ball! TOUCHDOWN! I mean, neither one of them is my team or anything, but boy, that was really something to watch. It was like poetry without any words.

America mourns another loss, this time in the political arena. Menachem Begin, leader, lover of justice, and nice man died a few weeks ago, from a head wound suffered when a safe fell on his head. He was a president somewhere, and he will be missed.

Everybody’s doin’ the Kookamunga Twist! At all-night parties held in the country, kids are putting on dance records known as “techno” and doing a new dance called, that’s right, the Kookamunga Twist! The parties, called “raves,” go on all night, sometimes until three or four. Sounds fun, guys. Can I come over and give it a try?

Finally, I’ll be spending the holidays in Alexandria, Virginia. I’ll keep you posted on the star sightings. I’m sure they’ll all be out on the promenade. You gotta love show business!

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