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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Hideki Matsui Can't Believe He Didn't Homer During Every At Bat In Single-A Ball

NEW YORK—During his recent stint on the 15-day disabled list, Hideki Matsui completed a two-day rehab assignment with Class A Tampa Yankees in which he went 2-for-6 and "didn't even hit one [home run] the whole time." "I've hit homeruns off Cy Young winners in clutch situations, but for some reason I couldn't even get an extra-base hit off some guy named Waldrop in the fourth inning of an inconsequential game," Matsui said through a translator. "I thought I was sent to Single-A to make myself feel better by humiliating these younger, less-experienced players. Sorry, that's hardly what happened." In an attempt to regain his confidence, Matsui recently traveled to Westchester, NY, claimed to be "new in town," and entered a pick-up game with some neighborhood children in which he went 1-for-5 and was picked off in an attempt to steal second base.

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