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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Hideki Matsui Can't Believe He Didn't Homer During Every At Bat In Single-A Ball

NEW YORK—During his recent stint on the 15-day disabled list, Hideki Matsui completed a two-day rehab assignment with Class A Tampa Yankees in which he went 2-for-6 and "didn't even hit one [home run] the whole time." "I've hit homeruns off Cy Young winners in clutch situations, but for some reason I couldn't even get an extra-base hit off some guy named Waldrop in the fourth inning of an inconsequential game," Matsui said through a translator. "I thought I was sent to Single-A to make myself feel better by humiliating these younger, less-experienced players. Sorry, that's hardly what happened." In an attempt to regain his confidence, Matsui recently traveled to Westchester, NY, claimed to be "new in town," and entered a pick-up game with some neighborhood children in which he went 1-for-5 and was picked off in an attempt to steal second base.

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